I’ve always been a hard worker. I was the dedicated one. The one who always showed up on time, ready to go, and rarely took a day off. Every work day was an opportunity for me to show I was an important part of the team.
What’s interesting is I did that up until this summer. I would take PTO, rescind my PTO when someone else called in, and then try to work around all the time off I’d accrued. I would work myself late nights, on my day off, and obsess about not “letting down the team.” Hell, I disclocated my shoulder \ one afternoon and showed up the next morning bright and early.
Then it happened as it always happens. My job promoted people who were in no way qualified. I have a BSM and an MTh. I was overqualified. But they took the people everyone liked rather than the obvious choice. I saw them bully my daughter out of the workforce. I tried to give ideas, in a, “Hey. I have expereince in this and here’s what I would do.”
Crickets.
I realized something in the chaos. I revoked my PTO multiple times throughout the years to be met with people who purposefully took time off when I did so I had to come in. They wouldn’t even let me have a day off. Not that they would take their own PTO away. They took mine.
They didn’t care when I told them, “Hey. This is a really bad idea. We should have a gameplan.”
And, honestly, I would get so, so angry when I was ignored. A couple things you don’t do to me. Don’t fuck with my kids. Don’t act like I’m stupid. If you don’t do those two very easy things, we’re good. We’re cool. I’ll be your ride or die.
Unfortunately, my work did both. And I was angry. I was pissed.
Then I had a moment of calm. A zen moment in the sauna where I looked around and said, “What am I doing?” A moment of looking around and saying, “Why do I care so much about people who don’t give one single fuck about me?”
So, I stopped caring. And I stopped getting angry about it. You can’t get angry if you don’t care. Why give energy to people who don’t matter? It’s not my company they’re crashing to the ground. It’s not my bus they’re burning. I gave them a fire extinguisher and they traded it in for a gallon of gas.
And now the train has crashed and is on fire. And honestly, I love the chaos. I’m sitting in my comfortable apartment in the mountains, looking at the palm trees, listening to everyone stressed out and all I can think is, “Should I have my sauna Saturday or Sunday? Should I go to the coffee shop and write on Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon? Should I go to Confession Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning? I wonder if there’s a good movie playing near here. Crap. I have to write the church back about teaching these next few months.”
I did the same thing to my family. I was the black sheep. The one who everyone knew wasn’t going to amount to anything. The single mom who was a blot on the family record. So I moved away. I washed my hands of everything and told my siblings, “This is your problem now.”
It’s been amazing. Freeing. I realized I am only responsible for me now. Before it was me and the kids and work and school and my family. Now it’s just me. My kids are good, they’re fine, they’re adults who can take care of their own shit. And me? I’m sitting in the valley looking at the mountains and thinking, “Fucking finally, I made it. I am not responsible for anyone but myself.”
So yeah. My anger has reduced to about zero and I no longer care. I wish someone had told thirty year old me this. But I don’t know if she would’ve listened.
Forty-plus year old me certainly is. And she loves it.
Anywho, here’s the books I read this week:
Books I read this week
The World of Ice and Fire by George RR Martin. This is a history of sorts of the houses in Game of Thrones. One of my goals is to read all of the books. This one was a doozy. It went through a timeline of everything. And honestly? I felt like I was in high school reading another history assignment. I mean, it’s great because I want to know what I’m reading before delving into the whole series. But it’s bad because I found it mind-numbingly boring at times. ***
Erasing History: How Facists Rewrite the Past to Control the Future by Jason Stanley. This books is about how the far right is trying to rewrite our past to have an ironclad control on the future. Conservatives want to control what we learn about history to manipulate our futures. Education systems are under attack for being too far left when in actuality, most of them are too far right. And it’s by design. With the blue wave this past week, it’s great to know what is happening right under our noses. And this book delivers. ****
What I did last week that was really cool
I read all the canidates, researched what was important, and voted. It wasn’t a presidental election but it was enough to have my voice heard. It was amazing and invigorating to be that person at the poll. I didn’t vote all left or all right. I voted for the people I felt were best for the job. In all honesty, I think I voted pretty 50/50 on the ballot. Which probably confuses some. But I don’t want to just vote party lines. I want to vote for the person I think can get the job done. If they’re democrat or republican, I will be watching. And I will vote accordingly next time.
Bible Verse that spoke to me
An official asked him this question, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus answered him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments, ‘You shall not commit adultery; you shall not kill; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; honor your father and your mother.’”And he replied, “All of these I have observed from my youth.”When Jesus heard this he said to him, “There is still one thing left for you: sell all that you have and distribute it to the poor, and you will have a treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”But when he heard this he became quite sad, for he was very rich. Luke 18:18-24
