You Can’t Live in Both Sin and grace - Father Scott-Vincent Borba
My daughter came and visited. She said something that struck with me this past week. She said, “He can’t love me the way I need to be loved.” And my response was, “So your job is to think about if you want to accept what is given or to walk away completely.” Because in life it seems as though we accept scraps of love instead of the love we’re supposed to have. Whether it be from a partner, a sibling, a mother or father, an aunt or uncle, cousins, friends, whomever, we accept whatever it is we think we deserve. But not what we need. Not how we can grow and thrive. Then we do the back and forth of, “I need you to do this and this to make me feel loved.” And that person responds with halfhearted attempts but revert back into old patterns pretty quickly. But, in my opinion, truly loving someone with a selfless love is asking, “How can I love you best?” And then doing it even when it sucks. It might be doing the laundry every week to make sure they have clean clothes. It might be respecting living spaces and respecting the rules of the house. It might be cooking dinner every night and making sure whomever has the best portions. It might be calling every week or so to make sure they’re doing okay. Love comes in many forms. True love comes in the form that nurtures the other person best while maintaining healthy boundaries.
I always tell new parents the same thing. It’s easy to take your kids to Disney World. That’s the fun part. The sucky part is saving the money to go. To work the overtime. To give up the fun stuff to afford the plane tickets. It’s easy to be the parent when you take your kids to Disney. It’s a lot harder to get that second or third job in order to afford to go. It’s fun to go to the dance recital and cheer your kid on stage. It’s harder to take them to four practices a week. Which one do you think shows love, though? Disney? Recitals? Or sitting in a parking lot for an hour when the battery on your phone dies?
She also said something that made me laugh. Well, a lot of things that made me laugh. But this one stuck. She said Dismas is like an evil villain who was reincarnated as a cat and is now righteously indignant that he is a cat and not a human ruling the world. Which describes Dismas to a T. He’s cute and fluffy but a terrible menace. He also attacks feet at night. But only if you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.
Books I read this week
The House of My Mother by Shari Franke. This books is about the family blogger Ruby Franke of Eight Passengers and how she went from being abusive to downright diabolical. It’s heartbreaking and bittersweet. Shari shows strength and maturity beyond her years but the whole time I was thinking, “It didn’t have to be this way.” Fame, fortune, and the descent of madness. Which is interesting because I was listening to an interview by Pints with Aquinas and he said something to the effect that it’s good most of us aren’t particularly attractive or rich or famous because we would become things we weren’t meant to become, to take the fame and fortune and make it perverse. And this book is a resounding testament to that sentiment. Ruby Franke needed counseling from a licensed counselor or therapist who could make sense of her unending need for control and attention. Because that’s all it was. An unending need to be recognized as the greatest parent, mother, church member of all time. Instead of being herself. Instead of being the mom she could’ve been if she had just let go of her ironclad control over others. I think a lot of parents like these look at their children being successful and think it’s because of them. It’s not. It’s in spite of them. I imagine those kids could’ve had such fulfilling lives had their mom not sought fame and fortune. Instead, they have to waste precious time overcoming obstacles their mother put in their paths. All for the sake of pride and adoration.
Grit by Angela Duckworth. This book is a great resource to decide who will stick it out and who will give up. Millions of people everywhere have talent and potential but don’t do the things needed to continue with becoming successful. Or, as I like to tell my daughters, “Potential doesn’t pay the bills.” Potential is great but it doesn’t negate the fact that hard work and determination is what dictates who is successful in “the hard things” and who is not. That’s not to say working hard at fruitless endeavors is smart. What she says is giving up too soon, giving halfhearted attempts, or worse, never trying in the first place, is what culls the wheat. I remember being in my master’s program. I was a single mom of two, working full time, and in graduate school full time. I was exhausted. And I would pray to God, “If I fall below a 3.3 GPA, I am going to quit this program. I can’t do it all.” My GPA was a 3.4 the whole time, teetering on 3.3, and I kept going. I talk to a lot of people at work who talk about how they tried to go to college but “it wasn’t for them.” My thought is always, “It wasn’t for you because you didn’t want to do the work.” University isn’t about being the smartest. It’s about giving up what you want to do to do the things you don’t want to do to get the thing you want to get. Being great at something isn’t about automatically being the best. It’s about wanting to be the best and willing to do whatever it takes to become just that. Adjusting and pivoting along the way.
Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke, M.D. This book tells us why we get addicted to things and what we can do to reset our lives. We’ve become people who no longer have to struggle to get the highs of life. We are spoiled for choice now. Whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, porn, whatever it is, it’s at the tips of our fingers. And we use and abuse because the dopamine is a siren’s call for us to binge on whenever we feel the need. But the dopamine chase, the siren’s call, becomes addiction and we fall into an endless cycle of chasing the high of whatever our drug of choice is. The stories in the book are so simple yet poignant, people we could all be friends with on a regular basis, fighting temptation on every level. And the more I read the more I realized, I was the same way. Food is my drug of choice and I’m doing my best to recognize the signs in the book. Am I truly hungry or bored? Is that muffin or piece of cake something I should really be eating? Or is it something I just crave because my body is asking for another hit of dopamine? It really made me rethink my life in terms of hitting the high or leaving it alone.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. This is a book that will make you laugh out loud at the absurdity of life. That not everything is going to be perfect all the time and sometimes that’s good enough. I remember when my daughters were in high school and had finals or multiple assignments at once. Deadlines would come and I would have to tell them, “Sometimes you have to half-*ss things to turn it in.” And that’s the truth. Was every one of my papers in college works of art? Absolutely not. But the deadline came and I had to turn something in. Sometimes life just sucks. And that’s okay. Sometimes it’s good to say, “This bullsh*t and I hate it.” And move on. Instead of obsessively trying to redo, rework, and finding the bright side of things. Sometimes you have to stick the dirty dishes in the sink and go to bed. Sometimes you have to eat rice and beans. Sometimes you have to admit that a particular person is a jerk but you have to work with them. Sometimes things are what they are. Sometimes you have to stop beating your head against the wall because it feels good when you stop.
The Age of Magical Overthinking by Amanda Montell. I loved this book because it was so refreshing to hear I’m not crazy in thinking I’m either too good at something or totally terrible at others when in all honesty, I’m mostly mediocre at best. The book delves into parasocial relationships and why we will defend our favorite celebrity to the death while, conversely, expecting them to be the bestest most amazing person in the world and their harshest critic when they fall short. Her views on Taylor Swift explain this in such an engaging and interesting way, I loved it. I loved the fact our society has shifted in believing our leaders are the greatest to social media and famous people. I love the imposter theory along with the halo effect. One of my most favorite quotes is from Humans of New York, “I'm a philosophy professor. I tell my students 'never make an exception of yourself.' People like to make exceptions of themselves. They hold other people to moral codes that they aren't willing to follow themselves. For example, people tend to think that if they tell a lie, it's because it was absolutely necessary. But if someone else tells a lie, it means they're dishonest. So never make an exception of yourself. If you're a thief, don't complain about being robbed.”
Song I listened to
Cake “Never There”
What I watched
The Shawn Ryan Show: Father Ripperger- A Demon Told the Exorcist: “It’s How I Took Your Government Out.” Favorite Quote: Why are we so important to God? I mean everything he created is for us? To protect us? It seems that human beings are everything to him. Why us? Why are we so important? Why does he love us so much? “I think there’s two reasons. One is because we are made in his image and that image the theological tradition is very clear. Is because we have intelligence and free will. So he made us that way to be like him in that regard because his choice to create us was purely free. He didn’t have to but he made it. So when he created us, in fact St. Augustin makes the observation that one of the greatest signs of God’s omnipotence is the ability to create something and sustain it in being and even sustain its acts in being that has the ability to choose between different goods and isn’t determined to one thing. That’s a sign of omnipotence. And so us is the his image and the manifestation of his glory. So if you read the theologians especially like Thomas Aquinas he makes the observation that because God is goodness itself the proper object of God’s love and will is himself because he is goodness itself. The difference is we aren’t goodness itself and so for us to be make ourselves our own objects of our own love is basically is disorder. We are only good because we are somehow participating in his good. But when he creates us that’s called the principal of redundance. The good re-downs to us and so we are good in many ways by virtue of the fact we manifest intelligence of will. We can make choices. We can become virtuous. And so a as a result of that he sees the good in us. And that’s why he loves us because we’re like him. And so his love for us and even when he shows his love for us is directly proportionate of how much we’re like him.”
Pints with Aquinas: E.L.F. Founder on Giving Up Fortune to Become a Priest. Favorite Quote: “You can’t live in both sin and grace” and “You are not a result of your past or your failures but you are a child of God.” “You cannot save yourself. God is the only one who can save you.” The story about how he met with the vocation director is golden, though. It’s hilarious and beautiful at the same time.
New Things I bought
Ariel Laundry Detergent. I always used Persil or Tide but saw good reviews on this one. Used with Borax and it’s amazing. The clothes smell so clean and came out not dingy which is a pet peeve of mine. Which is good because I cleaned my kids clothes with it. A good mom can’t send her kids home with dirty clothes. Plus it’s like $6.00 a bag. I read the directions and it does use a large amount but I find myself using a large amount with the more expensive brands so that’s a whatever issue for me.
Mrs. Myers Lavender cleaning solutions. I got my daughter daisy cleaning supplies because she struggles to keep up on cleaning and I thought this would be a good way for her to at least get a bit excited. So I bought the lavender for myself. It smells amazing and I wasn’t upset at having to clean the bathroom after having four people stay over this week.
Factor Meals. My brother gave me a code for a free box. I chose ten and have eaten three so far. I’d heard of them from other people and how amazing they are. In my opinion, they’re okay-ish. $10 per meal is a bit much. But they are filling and I was able to choose low carb options. They’re good for lunches as I work from home and often just quickly warm up something to eat. But I want to lose weight and gravitate toward high calorie meals and I think these will help to at least get a couple meals a week at a lower calorie count.
Bible Verse that Spoke to me
“Oh God, you are my God whom I seek; for you my flesh pines and my soul thirsts like the earth, parched, lifeless, and without water. Thus have I gazed toward you in the sanctuary to see your power and your glory, For your kindness is a greater good than life; my lips shall glorify you. Thus will I bless you while I live; lifting up my hands, I will call upon your name. As with the riches of a banquet shall my soul be satisfied, and with exultant lips my mouth shall praise you,” Psalm 63:2-6
New beginnings
Today I did the thing that I always wanted to do but never had the gumption. This blog.
It’s always fun to start new things. I do it all the time. But there is a moment of sadness when it’s over. And then the next week comes, it’s a blur, and I think I did that thing that one time or saw the movie or read the book but completely forget how I felt other than “it was good.” Or, even more upsetting, “It was bad.”
Here’s what I learned this week.
Books I read:
Surrounded By Idiots by Thomas Erikson: It was one of those books I read and thought, “Why are we pigeonholing people into four categories? Sometimes I’m red. Sometimes I’m yellow. A lot of the time I’m blue. Green people kinda weird me out but I’m sure they’re nice enough.” I think trying to fit people into one particular box is contradictory to management. People, and their needs, are dynamic. The premise of the book was good but I can’t help but feel as though it’s a catch-all for many managers. As if someone at work was a particular butthole one day and instead of actually talking to the employee, the manager shrugged off the responsibility by saying, “It’s okay. They’re red. They’re always like this.” And? So what? That doesn’t mean they don’t need someone guiding them into a conversation of, “Yeah. Yelling and screaming is not okay.” Or saying, “Hey. You’re being stupid. Stop being stupid.”
Everything Is Tuberculous by John Green: I wish my library had more copies because this would be on my regular reading shelf. I guess I’m happy that it took forever to get my grubby hands on a copy. This book is so fascinating that I had to stop a couple times just to ponder what he said. There’s everything from historic gangs to modern day doctors in this book and that’s only scratching the surface. Everything kind of does lead back to tuberculous. It’s simply fascinating to find out why. And how. It literally shaped so much of modern-day society. And, as a Catholic who supports vaccinations, I believe this is a great book to show to people that two wrongs don’t make a right.
The Coming Wave by Mustafa Suleyman: We are so screwed. I understand you can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube. But it’s infinitely easier to do that than unleash AI on the world without knowing what the hell we’re doing. I’m really worried we have gotten ourselves into something we have no idea how to stop. Pandora’s Box has been opened. This book made my already strong feelings even stronger.
Radical Candor by Kim Scott. This is an older book from 2017 but I truly, truly enjoyed it. I’m one of those people who avoid conflict at all costs. If I even think something I say might hurt someone’s feelings, I bury that with the whole, “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.” She actually cites this in the book and I wanted to shout, “You get it! You truly get what it’s like to be a woman working in a male-dominated industry!” The whole “Shut your mouth if you don’t have anything nice to say” is a mantra my mom would always tell me but only when I didn’t have anything nice to say. She could say whatever she wanted. Funny how that works. She also did the whole, “Act like a lady and you’ll be treated like one” thing that is so detrimental to women in business. Radical Candor is by a woman who worked in big tech. She was on the same playing field as the greats. And she learned a lot about being a good manager. One of the things she learned was radical candor and how, as a manager, you have to have this mixture of empathy and honesty that’s a hard balance. Legitimately, reading this book, I wanted to hand it to my own managers and say, “Maybe try this type of approach next time.” Which, to be honest, pretty much all of them desperately need it.
Movies I watched
Nefarious: R Rated, Released 2023, Directed by Cory Soloman and Chuck Konzelman
I found this movie from an interview that an exorcist did that said this movie was as close to demon possession he’s ever seen made. As a Catholic, I’ve always been curious about possessions. I know the devil is real and he hates me almost as much as he hates the Carpenter. So when the exorcist said it was this close to being what it’s like in the demonic mind, I was all in. Plus, YouTube has it for free, so who am I to pass up a good deal?
This movie will freak anyone out. It’s not gory. It doesn’t have a bunch of blood, or guts, or jump scares. There are a few but I think the few make them even more fearsome. It’s more psychological than anything. Some people have stated it’s a movie where 90% is just two guys having a conversation. That’s both true and false. It’s a movie where a man who doesn’t believe in heaven or hell, good or bad, and that evil is a societal determinant, faces a demon who gives him a glimpse into hell. It’s something I watched and couldn’t look away. Which is hilarious because I’m not known for being able to actually sit through an entire movie without getting sidetracked.
I have no idea what benefit Glenn Beck gave to it. I mean, he was there. He asked some questions. It was kind of a letdown to see him at the end. But I’m not a huge Glenn Beck fan so I guess? IDK. It would’ve been better without him and a random interviewer. But, he does bring in a segment of people. So it’s whatever.
Great movie, though. Especially if you’re agnostic or atheist. Maybe it won’t change your mind. But it will help you understand what others believe is happening.
New Music I listened to:
Many Men, Jazz Version, by Ben Dunnilli
Bible Verse I loved this week:
Even the soldiers jeered at him. As they approached to offer him wine they called out, “If you are King of the jews, save yourself!” Above him was an inscription that read “This is the King of the Jews.” Now one of the criminals hanging there reviled Jesus, saying, “Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us.” The other, however, rebuking him, said in reply, “Have you no fear of God, for you are subject to the same condemnation? And indeed, we have been condemned justly, for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes, but this man has done nothing criminal.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” He replied to him, “Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” Luke 23: 33-43
The thief on the cross, according to Catholic theology, is Saint Dismas. I named my cat after him.