Depending on who asked.
Do you ever have answers to questions depending on who asked?
Like, if you ask me who is my favorite author, it depends on who asked the question. If it’s a job interview, it would be different than a friend who would be different than a Catholic priest?
Because they’re all truths. I can have more than one favorite.
Job interview? Matthew Desmond.
Friend? Charles Bukowski if they’re a good friend. Margaret Atwood if we’re acquaintances.
Catholic Priest? The Apostle Paul.
Depending on who asked is the fluff of life. It’s the way we attune ourselves to the questioner. Like the question, what do you do for fun?
Job interview? I’ve been taking Russian lessons for a while.
Friend? Drinking, reading, and going to the pool.
Catholic Priest? Reading my Bible.
Same question different variations of answers. Because only certain people want to know which variation of you they want to know. My interviewer wants to know a different variation of me than my friend. My Catholic priest wants to know a different variation of me than my friend does. Each of them wants to know the part of me they’re interested in.
Only a few people want the whole story. I wonder sometimes who wants mine. Being single is like that. You wonder if a partner would want to know them all. Then you wonder if you would want to give someone all the answers. And what happens if they get them and don’t like them?
Russian lessons are fun, though.
Books I read this week:
Cultish by Amanda Montell: How do people join cults? And how do we automatically tell who joined one and which one they joined? Language is important and Amanda tells how the words, the inflections, the choice of phrasing can tell you someone is neck-deep in a cult. What’s more, she explains the why they use what they use to keep people involved. Ideology that sounds too good to be true. A sense of belonging to an exclusive crowd when no one knows you truly unless they’re a part of the cult. How no one really “gets” you other than this super secret (or not so secret) group of people who have it all figured out. And why seemingly intelligent people fall for it. It’s easy to point to cult followers and say, “I’ll never be one of them.” But it’s harder to understand that any one of us at any time can be sucked into one simply out of lonliness, or boredom, or a sense that we don’t belong anywhere.
The Wife Drought by Annabel Crabb. Many women joke they need a wife. But why? Why are women complaining they have to do it all? The issue lies within societal expectations of women who have to both work, clean, cook, take care of the children, and so on until they’re always tired and overloaded with work. As someone who was a single mom, I see it differently. I think communication is a big part of the breakdown. Also, settling for less than what you should have. Standing firm and saying, “I’m doing 80% of the housework and 100% of the childrearing while you work forty hours a week and call it a day. Something has to change here.” But as someone who had to work sixty hours a week, do 100% of the cleaning, and 100% of the housework…well, sometimes I want to tell women, “What is it you truly want?” I tell a lot of women my age that raising two kids on my own seemed to be a lot easier than raising two kids on my own and being pissed at my husband all the time.
Death in the Jungle by Candace Fleming. Jim Jones has always been fascinating to me. How in the world did some dorky looking guy from Indiana convince a couple hundred people to move into a jungle? And why did they go? It’s interesting how he moved from normal-ish preacher to a god-like character who believed he was the Second Coming. How he moved from social justice to kiss my ring and let me lead. It’s fascinating how people could shift ideals from one to the other because of his leadership. The whole time I was thinking, “Did he have good intentions at first and then his whole persona changed? Or was he evil from the start?” And how do we stop this from happening again? It’s sad because his early ideas were good. Community mixed with faith. All men are truly created equal. That we should look out for each other. But as he slowly delved into mental madness, the shift kept happening and I wondered will the real Jim Jones please stand up?
Bad Therapy by Abigale Shrier. This one tugged at my heart only because I’m noticing online the “therapy speak” a ton of children and teenagers are using on a daily basis. I think we’re feeding our children the lie that life will be good all the time and that pain is bad all the time. I remember telling my kids as we were struggling, “Sometimes life is just going to suck. Sometimes it’s hard and the best thing you can do is to keep your nose to the grindstone and keep walking. You have to take your punches, get up, dust off, and keep walking.” That life isn’t supposed to be always roses and sunshine. That some people are going to come in, f*ck it up, and leave. That pain can be good because it means you’re growing. Not every bad thing is traumatic. Not every pain is going to need a therapy session. That strong people accept whatever event for what it is and move on. Our kids are anxious and timid. Scared to fail. Scared to do the hard things. And when a hard thing comes, they’re afraid to even try. Because they’ve been taught that pain, that suffering, that doing the hard stuff to get the good stuff is bad. That adults are there to pave the way for them. And now we have a whole generation of kids who think if things aren’t happy all the time, they’re bad. But the things that shaped who I am, the woman I am, the strength I have within aren’t the good times. It’s the times I look back and say, “I can’t believe we survived that” that make me the woman I am today.
Post Office by Charles Bukowski. Okay. I admit. I love Bukowski and have read nearly every word he’s written. This was a, “Oh my gosh! The library actually has copies of Bukowski!” Most of them don’t because he’s a bit problematic. Meaning his work definitely is not for everyone. If you’re easily offended, put him back on the shelf. If you’re wanting a light, fluffy read, put him back on the shelf. If you want to laugh out loud to a raunchy old man who is in no way politically correct, who lived a wild life filled with questionable choices, pick it up. Bukowski was a womanizer wino who worked at the post office off and on until he realized he would never leave. So he left.
Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini, PhD. This book took me over a month to read. It was so much information crammed into less than 500 pages. But it made me realize how I’m influenced on a daily basis to do the things I do every day. Why did I buy that one thing and not the other? Why did I sign one petition and not the other? Why did I take this call, talk to this person, tip this much? It’s all answered in this book. And it’s funny because I did the things in the book without thinking as my time serving tables to make extra money. I didn’t realize putting more mints on the check gave me more tips. I didn’t realize that telling a customer they were my friend made me extra tips. All I knew was that it felt right and seemed to work, so why not? But he explains the reasons behind why we do what we do and how it works on us in brilliant ways. How toy companies make sales in January when all the Christmas gifts have been opened. How car salesmen get you to buy the higher priced car. How you can go into an electronics store and buy the bigger television on sale when you only wanted a hard drive. How a salesmen can keep you coming back over and over again without thinking. The sad fact is that it seems we’re never going to stop making impulsive purchases. But we can see them for what they are and isn’t that enough? I was so proud when I finished it but man, it was a rough read.
Songs I listened to on repeat
Say It by Blue October. Favorite band and one of my favorite songs.
All For You by Sister Hazel.
Things I bought this week
A cat bed for Dismas in a spot he likes to lay. He kicked it out of the way and laid on the floor. I looked at him and said, “Same, dude.” It’s now in another place and I have no idea if he’ll use it. If he doesn’t in the next couple months, I’ll donate it to the humane society.
Favorite bible Verse (nearly of all time)
“I, Paul, am already being poured out like a libation, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have competed well; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith. From now on the crown of righteousness awaits me, which the Lord, the just judge, will award me on that day and not only to me, but to all who have longed for his appearance.
The Lord stood by me and gave me strength, so that through me the proclamation might be completed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was rescued from the lion’s mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil threat and will bring me safe to his heavenly Kingdom. To him be glory forever and ever. Amen.” 2 Timothy 4:6-8, 17-18
Black ice saved my life.
I always wonder why so many people follow folks like Jordan Peterson or Ron Luce or Tucker Carlson. Or any of the other “leaders” who fire up their audiences to make drastic changes immediately, right this moment, RIGHT NOW! The whole, “If you’re not p*ssed off about this, you need to be, and you need to start fighting this moment, tomorrow is too late, get on your computer, take up your picket signs, get on your feet, and start screaming!” Because it’s action. It’s getting up from the couch, turning off the television, and doing something. Verbs are always more fun than nouns because verbs give action. Purpose. A reason to get out of bed.
But most people can’t keep up. They can’t keep up turning on the television or the computer and getting mad at something new every day. There’s always something and when something becomes all things, it’s exhausting. Which is why I think I always feel exhausted reading, listening, or tuning in to these people. Just a few moments are hard to digest.
They know what they’re doing. An old saying in the social media sphere is, “Enragement equals engagement.” The more people you make upset either for or against you means the more views. The more views, the more people are likely to engage with you.
Maybe I’m weird, but I think yelling at people isn’t a way to get them to listen. Just like yelling at someone to “Calm down” never works. Hugging them works. Sitting beside them silently and holding their hand works. Telling them, “I love you and this behavior is super concerning. Let’s talk about why it’s happening and how we can make it stop.”
I always tell my kids there’s nothing they could do that would make me not love them. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Would I be concerned with serious behavior? Absolutely. Are boundaries in place so that negative behavior is not tolerated? Yep. I will always love them but there are natural ground rules in place that allow our relationships to thrive. To grow and nurture. To be able to look at each other and say, “I don’t like this behavior. It needs to stop.” The road goes both ways. There are things I’ve done my kids put their feet down about. I always tell them I’ve worked too darn hard for too darn long to make my life as peaceful and quiet as it is and I will not tolerate someone uprooting it. They know this, appreciate it, saw how hard I’ve worked to get it, and they know not to allow anything to disrupt it. I think kids watching their parents work hard at something makes them more aware of it. Peace. Love. Hope. Consideration. Those are the things we tried to cultivate in my family.
Life is hard. Why are we allowing people in to make it harder? Why do we follow people who are disrupting our peace? Why aren’t we asking ourselves why we’re so angry all the time? Why not take a deep breathe and say, “This sucks. I’m going to do my part to change it but I’m also going to do my part to create peace and harmony.”
Black ice saved my life. I lived in the Midwest. One winter, I was zipping down a plowed road in my new car and hit a patch of black ice. If you aren’t educated in black ice, it’s ice on the road that blends in so well you don’t know it’s there. It’s black so you think it’s just another part of the road. I hit the ice, spun out, ended up facing the opposite direction in oncoming traffic and was hit head-on by a car going 55 MPH.
I ended up unconscious and in the hospital with a broken hand. But the moment was a defining one for me. I learned to slow down. I learned to pay better attention. I learned that going 60 MPH in a car blaring music to hurry to work wasn’t the way to live. I woke up wondering why I didn’t die, why my car was smashed but everyone walked away, and the only thing hurt was my hand and my pride.
I woke up wondering why God allowed me to wake up. And what I was going to do with the rest of my life. That the noise and the anger I had been carrying was too much. It was too much and I was tired of carrying it on my back.
I went to Confession. My penance was to learn why I even thought going to Confession was a good idea. I hadn’t been to Mass in years, barely knew anything about Catholicism anymore, and was dancing along life without a thought to what was happening around me. Which turned into me asking a bunch of new questions over and over until I got answers that made sense. It turned into a whole thing of me stopping, listening, learning, and calming down.
God put me into a physical, mental, and emotional time-out. He said to me, “Stop yelling. Stop struggling. Stop trying to figure it all out. Just chill. Give it to me. I’ve got this.”
It was black ice that started it. It was God who put it there.
I wanted to be the life of the party. I wanted to live in exclamation points. I wanted to be a flame, a fire, a part of the mob.
Instead, I live in quiet. Question marks. Silent moments of peace. Reading books. Talking to my daughters. Petting my cat. My life isn’t loud. It’s quiet and peaceful. It’s doing fun things on a Saturday afternoon because fun things are fun. It’s praying and going to Mass and Confession and being a good friend and mom and sister. It’s reading books and writing a blog and knowing that I may never change the world. But I can change myself and maybe a couple people around me and that can be wonderful, too.
I learned that quiet, that patience and love, is key. Maybe I’m not the life of the party but I can be the person who makes sure the life of the party gets home safely. And that’s who God made me to be. And I love that.
Books I read this week
Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. I have realized my own focus is shorter than it’s ever been. Finishing a book takes me days instead of a day. Why my phone seems like a siren every now and then and I can’t help but pick it up and scroll mindlessly for hours at a time. Johann had the same issues and wanted to know why. It’s been designed this way. Our focus, our time, is now being monopolized by corporations. It’s designed to keep you just engaged you can’t put it down. Now that I know it’s been done, I am doing my best to undo it. It’s hard. It’s an addiction. But I also know the noise needs to die down in order to find peace. And I think we all want that for our lives.
On Tyranny by Timothy Snyder. Freedom isn’t free. Enough said.
Them: Why We Hate Each Other- And How We Can Heal by Ben Sasse. I might not agree with all of Sasse’s political views but this book really isn’t about them. It’s about how we, as a nation, are about to fall because we hate each other. Democrat against Republican. Left versus right. Winner against loser. But why? Why do we have to argue and fight? There’s so many things in life to get up in arms against each other. I love the quote, “America is an idea.” Our political system was set up to keep us together. There are people who want us to fall apart. Because a nation at war is a nation who isn’t paying attention. If we keep fighting each other, we’re no longer holding politicians accountable. It’s an “us versus us” issue. I want to hear more from both sides. I want to be aware, alert, and I want to care. But I’m also tired of being yelled at all the time.
Notes to John by Joan Didion. This was an amazing book about a woman writing letters to her husband regarding therapy sessions she was having. It’s an intimate portrait of what therapy is like and how she was struggling with her daughter’s alcoholism, her work, and her life in general. It felt, at times, as though I shouldn’t be reading it. Like I should put down the book and the intimate thoughts and leave them alone. But, as a mother who is having a hard time letting my own children live their adult lives, I kept reading. I’m glad I did. It was a good insight into listening to another mom have issues allowing her adult daughter to live away from home.
Things i bought this week
A book reading tracker. I think it’s going to be easier to keep track of what I read this year. But it has a lot of parts and I’m having trouble keeping up.
Journal. I’ve had it for a week and have written four entries. I’m going to be kind to myself and say that’s good enough. I have a habit of beginning things I never finished.
What I watched
Shiny Happy People Season 2. I remember these revivals and my friends going to them in the 90s/2000s. It’s so sad what happened. But my question is…where were the parents????
Walking away isn’t giving up. It’s going somewhere new.
My daughter got a new job after trying her best to keep her old one. Personal conflicts and a manager who didn’t want her there made it almost impossible to stay. Every day, she’d call in a panic that this manager told her no one liked her and her work was shoddy. Every day I listened to my child, one of the two most important people in the world to me, spiral into this anxiety riddled person I could barely recognize. It was torture for both her and me. Loving someone so much and being able to do nothing to help alleviate her pain was brutal. I suggested she find a new job. Her therapist told her the same. It was only when we told her walking away wasn’t giving up, it was starting somewhere new. Somewhere that managers and terrible co-workers can’t get to her. Starting over meant she would be able to walk into work in a place she felt safe and happy. That she could shed the past and have a bright future if only she would let go and let God do His work.
She did it and it worked wonders. Two weeks in and she was saying she wished she’d done it sooner. Walking away meant she had a new beginning and was thrilled she got to start over again. After two weeks, she even deep-cleaned her apartment and got rid of clothes and things that reminded her of a trying and depressing time. Her energy skyrocketed. Her mood enhanced. She had people around her who thought the world of her and appreciated everything she did for them.
Life got better simply because she walked away.
I had prayed so hard in those months that God would guide her and keep her satisfied. I prayed that if He gave her grace and understanding that this was only a little blip in the radar, hardly worth remembering, that He would walk her through.
Completely trusting that she would begin anew. And those who hurt her would probably never understand what they did. But, in the long run, they would reap what they sowed. That their actions would either come to haunt them in this life or the next. It wasn’t up to me for punishment. It’s all in God’s hands now.
It’s been two weeks and I’ve focused on my children. Though we’re far apart, we’re always on the phone or I’m wishing they were closer. But these past two weeks have been filled with my want to help them. To smooth the way. And I can’t. But I can pray that when one chapter ends, they can dip their pen into the inkwell of goodness, of righteousness, and begin a new one filled with hope and wonder.
Books I read these past two weeks:
These is My Words by Nancy E. Turner: If you want to know what settling a new territory is really like, this book is an amazing account of heartbreak and pain but loving and hope. Times were so different back in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Family was central to living and it was both beautiful and haunting. Every chapter was like a gift of the past blending into the future. I wish I had the next chapters of her life. Her words were simple, plain, but brilliant. I cannot recommend enough.
Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey: Resting, giving time to pause, is not laziness. And I truly needed someone to tell me that. I needed someone to tell me that being exhausted, working myself to the bone, to always “hustle” wasn’t a way to live. I cannot thank Tricia enough for writing this book. We are not lazy. We are tired. And the only way not to be tired is to give ourselves permission to rest. It’s a bit political but I understand where the author is coming from. I am not a minority and it did give me a better glimpse into minority struggles. I will always think of her when I try to better understand people who are minorities and how I view work and rest.
Bury Our Bones in the Midnight Soil by V.E. Schwab: This book is supposed to be amazing but honestly, I thought it was boring as heck. I am trying to do a book bingo and supernatural romance was on it. This had high reviews and I had high hopes but it was like, “Where is the big climax?” It’s long. Really long. And, for me, boring as all get out. It’s LGBTQUIA+ friendly which is fine, but it also just seems to never end. This person goes to this person goes to this person and back again. If everything is detrimental, is nothing detrimental?
The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker: Ever wonder why you get those tingling sensations when you meet someone and your body registers “DANGER”? It’s not because you have psychic abilities. It’s because your subconscious mind is gaining insight your conscious mind is not. This book explains WHY you’re feeling that way and why it’s vitally important to listen to your body. He gives real examples of people who have been in dangerous situations and how they experienced those signs. How to act in those predicaments and how to understand your perception is oftentimes not skewed. Learning to trust your body, your nervous system, and survive is important. I’m going to recommend this book to every young woman in my life. It could very well save them.
The Will to Change by Bell Hooks: Freaking finally a feminist explains why men have a hard time understanding the feminist movement doesn’t want to bring them down but build them up. We want men to feel loved and fulfilled and not stifled by the fact society expects them to not feel anything and to rule with an iron fist. We want them to feel love and tenderness. We want them to grow in a world where compassion and kindness is not seen as a weakness but as a path forward. That their lives have purpose and meaning other than what they can do. The men in my life are wonderful because they are unique, feeling creatures who deserve love and respect simply because they are. Not because of what they do. I wish every man would read this book and feel the love the author has for them. It could very well change the world.
Things that I bought tha t i love:
Qutool Cooling Pillow for Sleeping: Long story short, I bought four pillows from Marshalls when I moved. Two were amazing and I put them on the pull-out bed for guests. The two that I put on my bed absolutely fell apart within two months. I didn’t want to switch, that would be rude to my guests. And I’m in that stage of life where everything is hot (if you know, you know). So I read the reviews and tried these pillows. Oh. My. Gosh. They’re almost cold if they’re left alone for a bit and that crisp, clean, cold feeling when you lie your head down. I love them because they’re big and fluffy but also you can take stuffing out or put more in. They’re almost too full when I got them but I’m loving it. I love being almost cold when I sleep and these fit the bill perfectly.
Easeland Mattress Pad: My bed is a kind of gift from my brother for moving. And it’s hard. Super hard. My daughter would love it but I’m more of a medium firm mattress kinda girl. This put on top of the mattress has been amazing. After reading Rest is Resistance, I told myself I deserved a comfortable bed (again, thank you Tricia wherever you are). This pad has just the right amount of “fluff” that it makes a hard mattress into a medium-firm one. And I haven’t slept better in months. Cannot recommend enough.
Bedecor 100% Cotton Sheet Set: Same thing. I wanted better sheets that didn’t make me super hot in the middle of the night. My old sheets were cotton and I can’t understand the difference. These just are cold enough I don’t throw them off in the middle of the night. The old ones, I wanted to scream, they were so hot. These are cold enough I just curl up at the end of the day and sleep like a baby.
Bedelite Fleece Queen Comforter Set Fluffy, Queen Size: I have a thing with fluffy blankets. I don’t know why, but I love them so much. I bought this one because it was a good price and in a cream color that matched my sheets. It’s amazing. Fluffy yet thin enough I don’t feel swallowed. The only thing I have to remember is to dry it on cool setting because if you don’t, the fibers will melt together. Hopefully, I don’t mess that up.
Bible Verse i loved:
“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light,” Matthew 30:
You Can’t Live in Both Sin and grace - Father Scott-Vincent Borba
My daughter came and visited. She said something that struck with me this past week. She said, “He can’t love me the way I need to be loved.” And my response was, “So your job is to think about if you want to accept what is given or to walk away completely.” Because in life it seems as though we accept scraps of love instead of the love we’re supposed to have. Whether it be from a partner, a sibling, a mother or father, an aunt or uncle, cousins, friends, whomever, we accept whatever it is we think we deserve. But not what we need. Not how we can grow and thrive. Then we do the back and forth of, “I need you to do this and this to make me feel loved.” And that person responds with halfhearted attempts but revert back into old patterns pretty quickly. But, in my opinion, truly loving someone with a selfless love is asking, “How can I love you best?” And then doing it even when it sucks. It might be doing the laundry every week to make sure they have clean clothes. It might be respecting living spaces and respecting the rules of the house. It might be cooking dinner every night and making sure whomever has the best portions. It might be calling every week or so to make sure they’re doing okay. Love comes in many forms. True love comes in the form that nurtures the other person best while maintaining healthy boundaries.
I always tell new parents the same thing. It’s easy to take your kids to Disney World. That’s the fun part. The sucky part is saving the money to go. To work the overtime. To give up the fun stuff to afford the plane tickets. It’s easy to be the parent when you take your kids to Disney. It’s a lot harder to get that second or third job in order to afford to go. It’s fun to go to the dance recital and cheer your kid on stage. It’s harder to take them to four practices a week. Which one do you think shows love, though? Disney? Recitals? Or sitting in a parking lot for an hour when the battery on your phone dies?
She also said something that made me laugh. Well, a lot of things that made me laugh. But this one stuck. She said Dismas is like an evil villain who was reincarnated as a cat and is now righteously indignant that he is a cat and not a human ruling the world. Which describes Dismas to a T. He’s cute and fluffy but a terrible menace. He also attacks feet at night. But only if you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.
Books I read this week
The House of My Mother by Shari Franke. This books is about the family blogger Ruby Franke of Eight Passengers and how she went from being abusive to downright diabolical. It’s heartbreaking and bittersweet. Shari shows strength and maturity beyond her years but the whole time I was thinking, “It didn’t have to be this way.” Fame, fortune, and the descent of madness. Which is interesting because I was listening to an interview by Pints with Aquinas and he said something to the effect that it’s good most of us aren’t particularly attractive or rich or famous because we would become things we weren’t meant to become, to take the fame and fortune and make it perverse. And this book is a resounding testament to that sentiment. Ruby Franke needed counseling from a licensed counselor or therapist who could make sense of her unending need for control and attention. Because that’s all it was. An unending need to be recognized as the greatest parent, mother, church member of all time. Instead of being herself. Instead of being the mom she could’ve been if she had just let go of her ironclad control over others. I think a lot of parents like these look at their children being successful and think it’s because of them. It’s not. It’s in spite of them. I imagine those kids could’ve had such fulfilling lives had their mom not sought fame and fortune. Instead, they have to waste precious time overcoming obstacles their mother put in their paths. All for the sake of pride and adoration.
Grit by Angela Duckworth. This book is a great resource to decide who will stick it out and who will give up. Millions of people everywhere have talent and potential but don’t do the things needed to continue with becoming successful. Or, as I like to tell my daughters, “Potential doesn’t pay the bills.” Potential is great but it doesn’t negate the fact that hard work and determination is what dictates who is successful in “the hard things” and who is not. That’s not to say working hard at fruitless endeavors is smart. What she says is giving up too soon, giving halfhearted attempts, or worse, never trying in the first place, is what culls the wheat. I remember being in my master’s program. I was a single mom of two, working full time, and in graduate school full time. I was exhausted. And I would pray to God, “If I fall below a 3.3 GPA, I am going to quit this program. I can’t do it all.” My GPA was a 3.4 the whole time, teetering on 3.3, and I kept going. I talk to a lot of people at work who talk about how they tried to go to college but “it wasn’t for them.” My thought is always, “It wasn’t for you because you didn’t want to do the work.” University isn’t about being the smartest. It’s about giving up what you want to do to do the things you don’t want to do to get the thing you want to get. Being great at something isn’t about automatically being the best. It’s about wanting to be the best and willing to do whatever it takes to become just that. Adjusting and pivoting along the way.
Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke, M.D. This book tells us why we get addicted to things and what we can do to reset our lives. We’ve become people who no longer have to struggle to get the highs of life. We are spoiled for choice now. Whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, porn, whatever it is, it’s at the tips of our fingers. And we use and abuse because the dopamine is a siren’s call for us to binge on whenever we feel the need. But the dopamine chase, the siren’s call, becomes addiction and we fall into an endless cycle of chasing the high of whatever our drug of choice is. The stories in the book are so simple yet poignant, people we could all be friends with on a regular basis, fighting temptation on every level. And the more I read the more I realized, I was the same way. Food is my drug of choice and I’m doing my best to recognize the signs in the book. Am I truly hungry or bored? Is that muffin or piece of cake something I should really be eating? Or is it something I just crave because my body is asking for another hit of dopamine? It really made me rethink my life in terms of hitting the high or leaving it alone.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. This is a book that will make you laugh out loud at the absurdity of life. That not everything is going to be perfect all the time and sometimes that’s good enough. I remember when my daughters were in high school and had finals or multiple assignments at once. Deadlines would come and I would have to tell them, “Sometimes you have to half-*ss things to turn it in.” And that’s the truth. Was every one of my papers in college works of art? Absolutely not. But the deadline came and I had to turn something in. Sometimes life just sucks. And that’s okay. Sometimes it’s good to say, “This bullsh*t and I hate it.” And move on. Instead of obsessively trying to redo, rework, and finding the bright side of things. Sometimes you have to stick the dirty dishes in the sink and go to bed. Sometimes you have to eat rice and beans. Sometimes you have to admit that a particular person is a jerk but you have to work with them. Sometimes things are what they are. Sometimes you have to stop beating your head against the wall because it feels good when you stop.
The Age of Magical Overthinking by Amanda Montell. I loved this book because it was so refreshing to hear I’m not crazy in thinking I’m either too good at something or totally terrible at others when in all honesty, I’m mostly mediocre at best. The book delves into parasocial relationships and why we will defend our favorite celebrity to the death while, conversely, expecting them to be the bestest most amazing person in the world and their harshest critic when they fall short. Her views on Taylor Swift explain this in such an engaging and interesting way, I loved it. I loved the fact our society has shifted in believing our leaders are the greatest to social media and famous people. I love the imposter theory along with the halo effect. One of my most favorite quotes is from Humans of New York, “I'm a philosophy professor. I tell my students 'never make an exception of yourself.' People like to make exceptions of themselves. They hold other people to moral codes that they aren't willing to follow themselves. For example, people tend to think that if they tell a lie, it's because it was absolutely necessary. But if someone else tells a lie, it means they're dishonest. So never make an exception of yourself. If you're a thief, don't complain about being robbed.”
Song I listened to
Cake “Never There”
What I watched
The Shawn Ryan Show: Father Ripperger- A Demon Told the Exorcist: “It’s How I Took Your Government Out.” Favorite Quote: Why are we so important to God? I mean everything he created is for us? To protect us? It seems that human beings are everything to him. Why us? Why are we so important? Why does he love us so much? “I think there’s two reasons. One is because we are made in his image and that image the theological tradition is very clear. Is because we have intelligence and free will. So he made us that way to be like him in that regard because his choice to create us was purely free. He didn’t have to but he made it. So when he created us, in fact St. Augustin makes the observation that one of the greatest signs of God’s omnipotence is the ability to create something and sustain it in being and even sustain its acts in being that has the ability to choose between different goods and isn’t determined to one thing. That’s a sign of omnipotence. And so us is the his image and the manifestation of his glory. So if you read the theologians especially like Thomas Aquinas he makes the observation that because God is goodness itself the proper object of God’s love and will is himself because he is goodness itself. The difference is we aren’t goodness itself and so for us to be make ourselves our own objects of our own love is basically is disorder. We are only good because we are somehow participating in his good. But when he creates us that’s called the principal of redundance. The good re-downs to us and so we are good in many ways by virtue of the fact we manifest intelligence of will. We can make choices. We can become virtuous. And so a as a result of that he sees the good in us. And that’s why he loves us because we’re like him. And so his love for us and even when he shows his love for us is directly proportionate of how much we’re like him.”
Pints with Aquinas: E.L.F. Founder on Giving Up Fortune to Become a Priest. Favorite Quote: “You can’t live in both sin and grace” and “You are not a result of your past or your failures but you are a child of God.” “You cannot save yourself. God is the only one who can save you.” The story about how he met with the vocation director is golden, though. It’s hilarious and beautiful at the same time.
New Things I bought
Ariel Laundry Detergent. I always used Persil or Tide but saw good reviews on this one. Used with Borax and it’s amazing. The clothes smell so clean and came out not dingy which is a pet peeve of mine. Which is good because I cleaned my kids clothes with it. A good mom can’t send her kids home with dirty clothes. Plus it’s like $6.00 a bag. I read the directions and it does use a large amount but I find myself using a large amount with the more expensive brands so that’s a whatever issue for me.
Mrs. Myers Lavender cleaning solutions. I got my daughter daisy cleaning supplies because she struggles to keep up on cleaning and I thought this would be a good way for her to at least get a bit excited. So I bought the lavender for myself. It smells amazing and I wasn’t upset at having to clean the bathroom after having four people stay over this week.
Factor Meals. My brother gave me a code for a free box. I chose ten and have eaten three so far. I’d heard of them from other people and how amazing they are. In my opinion, they’re okay-ish. $10 per meal is a bit much. But they are filling and I was able to choose low carb options. They’re good for lunches as I work from home and often just quickly warm up something to eat. But I want to lose weight and gravitate toward high calorie meals and I think these will help to at least get a couple meals a week at a lower calorie count.
Bible Verse that Spoke to me
“Oh God, you are my God whom I seek; for you my flesh pines and my soul thirsts like the earth, parched, lifeless, and without water. Thus have I gazed toward you in the sanctuary to see your power and your glory, For your kindness is a greater good than life; my lips shall glorify you. Thus will I bless you while I live; lifting up my hands, I will call upon your name. As with the riches of a banquet shall my soul be satisfied, and with exultant lips my mouth shall praise you,” Psalm 63:2-6
New beginnings
Today I did the thing that I always wanted to do but never had the gumption. This blog.
It’s always fun to start new things. I do it all the time. But there is a moment of sadness when it’s over. And then the next week comes, it’s a blur, and I think I did that thing that one time or saw the movie or read the book but completely forget how I felt other than “it was good.” Or, even more upsetting, “It was bad.”
Here’s what I learned this week.
Books I read:
Surrounded By Idiots by Thomas Erikson: It was one of those books I read and thought, “Why are we pigeonholing people into four categories? Sometimes I’m red. Sometimes I’m yellow. A lot of the time I’m blue. Green people kinda weird me out but I’m sure they’re nice enough.” I think trying to fit people into one particular box is contradictory to management. People, and their needs, are dynamic. The premise of the book was good but I can’t help but feel as though it’s a catch-all for many managers. As if someone at work was a particular butthole one day and instead of actually talking to the employee, the manager shrugged off the responsibility by saying, “It’s okay. They’re red. They’re always like this.” And? So what? That doesn’t mean they don’t need someone guiding them into a conversation of, “Yeah. Yelling and screaming is not okay.” Or saying, “Hey. You’re being stupid. Stop being stupid.”
Everything Is Tuberculous by John Green: I wish my library had more copies because this would be on my regular reading shelf. I guess I’m happy that it took forever to get my grubby hands on a copy. This book is so fascinating that I had to stop a couple times just to ponder what he said. There’s everything from historic gangs to modern day doctors in this book and that’s only scratching the surface. Everything kind of does lead back to tuberculous. It’s simply fascinating to find out why. And how. It literally shaped so much of modern-day society. And, as a Catholic who supports vaccinations, I believe this is a great book to show to people that two wrongs don’t make a right.
The Coming Wave by Mustafa Suleyman: We are so screwed. I understand you can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube. But it’s infinitely easier to do that than unleash AI on the world without knowing what the hell we’re doing. I’m really worried we have gotten ourselves into something we have no idea how to stop. Pandora’s Box has been opened. This book made my already strong feelings even stronger.
Radical Candor by Kim Scott. This is an older book from 2017 but I truly, truly enjoyed it. I’m one of those people who avoid conflict at all costs. If I even think something I say might hurt someone’s feelings, I bury that with the whole, “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.” She actually cites this in the book and I wanted to shout, “You get it! You truly get what it’s like to be a woman working in a male-dominated industry!” The whole “Shut your mouth if you don’t have anything nice to say” is a mantra my mom would always tell me but only when I didn’t have anything nice to say. She could say whatever she wanted. Funny how that works. She also did the whole, “Act like a lady and you’ll be treated like one” thing that is so detrimental to women in business. Radical Candor is by a woman who worked in big tech. She was on the same playing field as the greats. And she learned a lot about being a good manager. One of the things she learned was radical candor and how, as a manager, you have to have this mixture of empathy and honesty that’s a hard balance. Legitimately, reading this book, I wanted to hand it to my own managers and say, “Maybe try this type of approach next time.” Which, to be honest, pretty much all of them desperately need it.
Movies I watched
Nefarious: R Rated, Released 2023, Directed by Cory Soloman and Chuck Konzelman
I found this movie from an interview that an exorcist did that said this movie was as close to demon possession he’s ever seen made. As a Catholic, I’ve always been curious about possessions. I know the devil is real and he hates me almost as much as he hates the Carpenter. So when the exorcist said it was this close to being what it’s like in the demonic mind, I was all in. Plus, YouTube has it for free, so who am I to pass up a good deal?
This movie will freak anyone out. It’s not gory. It doesn’t have a bunch of blood, or guts, or jump scares. There are a few but I think the few make them even more fearsome. It’s more psychological than anything. Some people have stated it’s a movie where 90% is just two guys having a conversation. That’s both true and false. It’s a movie where a man who doesn’t believe in heaven or hell, good or bad, and that evil is a societal determinant, faces a demon who gives him a glimpse into hell. It’s something I watched and couldn’t look away. Which is hilarious because I’m not known for being able to actually sit through an entire movie without getting sidetracked.
I have no idea what benefit Glenn Beck gave to it. I mean, he was there. He asked some questions. It was kind of a letdown to see him at the end. But I’m not a huge Glenn Beck fan so I guess? IDK. It would’ve been better without him and a random interviewer. But, he does bring in a segment of people. So it’s whatever.
Great movie, though. Especially if you’re agnostic or atheist. Maybe it won’t change your mind. But it will help you understand what others believe is happening.
New Music I listened to:
Many Men, Jazz Version, by Ben Dunnilli
Bible Verse I loved this week:
Even the soldiers jeered at him. As they approached to offer him wine they called out, “If you are King of the jews, save yourself!” Above him was an inscription that read “This is the King of the Jews.” Now one of the criminals hanging there reviled Jesus, saying, “Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us.” The other, however, rebuking him, said in reply, “Have you no fear of God, for you are subject to the same condemnation? And indeed, we have been condemned justly, for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes, but this man has done nothing criminal.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” He replied to him, “Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” Luke 23: 33-43
The thief on the cross, according to Catholic theology, is Saint Dismas. I named my cat after him.