The Emperor is Naked

The internet is buzzing like it usuallly does when a big ol’ “scandal” happens.

I’m always more interested in the parasocial relationship fallout.

You see, Ethan Klein cheated on his wife. And before this week, I barely knew who Ethan Klein was. I knew he was a pretty popular Youtuber and he had a big following. Just like I know there’s a guy named Mr. Beast who does, too. I’ve never watched the videos as I’m more interested in learning things like history, how-to’s, and legal stuff that I wouldn’t otherwise know. But I’m a sucker for some good drama. But moreso in how it happened and not who it happened to.

Like, why do we care so much that Ethan Klein cheated on his wife? He’s a guy just like any other guy who saw a pretty girl and decided to stray. So what? It’s not like this hasn’t happened before. Why are we, the public, so emotionally invested in some random dude in LA who stepped out on his marriage? When I first heard the news that some major social media guru cheated on his wife, I was like, “Okay. And it’s Tuesday. Why do we care?”

But, quite literally, people are going crazy. The internet is flooded with memes and commentary and I love it all. Not that I love downfalls. I love rises as well. But I’m so interested in how we got here. Moreover, why the heck do we care so much about someone else’s marriage falling apart?

The thing about Ethan Klein is he had five things which made this the internet sensation that has befallen anyone with social media access. One, he is famous with a lot of followers who has been online for most of their lives. Super-fans if you will. And he was their fearless leader who was willing to say in public all the things they wanted. But now he’s someone who stepped down when things got really hard. Two, he considered himself a moral authority and as such, called out other men for cheating on their wives. Now, he is nothing more than a hypocrite. Three, he talked all the time, or at least from the small amount of clips I saw, about how he loved his wife and would never cheat on her. Now he’s a liar. Four, he had some pretty controversial takes on a lot of political and social issues, including a number of lawsuits, which made him a polarizing figure. Now those critics of his political and social issues can point to him in a concrete way and say he’’s a lying liar who lies. And, five, he shared large parts of his life online in the form of hours long podcasts. Now people are dissecting those very clips to point out the moment his moral highground crumbled into dust.

The problem is when you’re a rich and famous person, who has a large following of loyal fans (I heard he called them foot soldiers, kinda weird but whatever), you become almost god-like to them. I’ve seen more than one of his stans call out anyone who dare speak ill of their great Ethan Klein. And when that happens, when you pretty much tell your audience that your opinion is one of the only ones that matter, when you fall, you fall pretty hard and pretty fast.

An added layer to this mess is the intern the internet has dubbed the woman who made a controversial podcast fail in six months. Speculation is she’s the one he’s cheating with and I have to say, the evidence is incriminating. Some people have beatified this woman as Ethan is such a controversial person. Some people have made her into this demonic harlot who should be thrown out of society for the rest of her natural life. Some have said that she’s Ethan’s soulmate and if he would cheat on his wife for her, it must be true love. Whatever you want to call it, in the end, it’s good old fashioned betrayal from those closest to you. The call is coming from inside the house.

The problem is when you share your life online as the brand, that life is no longer yours. When you build up a following, any following, and become the voice of those people, they identify with you in a way they think they know you personally, a parasocial relationship. Ethan wasn’t some random dude to the foot soldiers and critics. He held himself out to be above them in a cultish way. “Watch my podcasts for hours as I tell you all the things I think about everything and either agree with me or say nothing. Because if you say anything, my foot soldiers will come after you because they are my loyal following.” They would because Ethan was their leader.

I’m sure the foot soldiers out there felt they were a part of a super special group of people. They wanted to belong to something bigger than themselves. They stood up for him through thick and thin. They called themselves foot soldiers for crying outloud. For them, it was more than a podcast. It was a large following of people like themselves who thought like themselves filled with inside jokes, thoughts, and behaviors. They even had a clothing line so they could dress like each other. Ethan was at the helm and he insinuated that he’d never steer them wrong. He wasn’t just a podcast host. He was the moral authority. He wasn’t just right about a lot of things. He was right. Period.

And when their moral authority fails, it’s a moment of wondering if everything they had believed for years was a lie. Was the vary foundation of their own identity nothing more than duct tape and super glue? I’ve read people writing they watched everything, every single thing, Ethan has uploaded for over ten years. Every clip. Every episode. Every podcast. Bought clothing so they could readily identify themselves. They were the “real fans.” He was the wizard. They were the munchkins. And they all lived happily in Oz.

Then the curtain was pulled back. And the one to do it was his loyal and very beautiful wife. And the wicked witch in this story was his intern. Then the green glasses came off and they saw that Oz was nothing more than broken concrete and dingy windows.

The critics of Ethan have their own story in this mess. They can now officially point to this one instance as a way of saying, “See? He was a piece of sh*t this whole time. We’ve been telling you he’s one for years. And now you believe us! Because he’s such a piece of sh*t that he burned his whole house down for what? An intern that looks like him!” They have their own vocabulary. They have their own groups and words and ways of identifying themselves. And now they have the moral highground. Not the foot soldiers.

The issue isn’t Ethan. It’s not his wife. It’s not the intern. It’s that everyone wants to be a part of something even if there’s contrary evidence to the other side.

I’m sure the critics have their own parasocial people. The people they follow and make excuses for. Who will inevitably fail and fail hard. They, too, will see the emperor has no clothes.

If you’re unfamiliar with the emperor with no clothes, it’s a tale as old as time. An emperor, a very vain man who had to have the best of everything, gets in touch with a tailor who says he can make the most beautiful clothing in the world. No clothing is like the clothing this tailor makes. And when the emperor gives him a lot of money, he comes with clothing so fine, so light, so airy it’s like the emperor is wearing nothing. He makes the emoperor take off his clothes and puts it on. Everyone around the emperor talks about how wonderful the clothing is. The clothing is so delicate and beautiful it’s completely see-through. The emperor parades himself throughout the land until one brave little boy points at the emperor and says, “But he doesn’t have ANY clothes on!”

That’s what this story is about, which is hilarious because speculation is when Ethan got news his wife was going public with the affair, he was doing some bit about thrift store clothings and was nearly naked.

The H3H3 stans surrounded a naked emperor and the critics were the brave little boy. Next week, there will be a new emperor and critics will be brave little boys again. And the cycle will repeat until the end of time.

The story is old. But it’s nonetheless entertaining when it happens.

Anyway, this is what I read this week:

Books I read this week

• This Story Might Save Your Life by Tiffany Crum. Benny and Joy are two podcasters who are besties. Their podcast is about situations where survival is hazy and how to survive them. Joy is married to Xander who is their manager. They have millions of followers and the pair are the friends you always want to be besties with. There’s a storm one day and Benny goes to Joy and Xander’s house to do the podcast. Only Xander and Joy aren’t there. He calls in a missing person alert to the police station. Cue a bunch of flashbacks and flashforwards and flashing and a love triangle. It’s good. I wouldn’t read it again. But I liked it for what it was. A cute, fun read. ****

• The Assassin’s Blade by Sarah J Maas. There’s a teenager who was brought up as an assassin. She kills a bunch of people. A bunch of people try to kill her. There’s Sam, an enemy to friend to lover situation. There’s a leader who is a bad guy or maybe not a bad guy. She doesn’t seem to listen to people. Like, there’s a bunch of moments someone she’s fighting tries to tell her something and she doesn’t listen. Which clocks because she’s a teenager. It’s a bunch of stories into one which is whatever. Forgetable for anyone over 16. ***

• As You Wish by Cary Elwes. Okay, I have to admit, the Princess Bride is an all-time favorite movie of mine. I love that movie so much! It’s a Catholic kid’s childhood wrapped in one movie. I quote it all the time. Everyone I know who grew up in the 80s watched this movie. And this book goes into explaining with all the cast what it was like making it. It wasn’t so much of pulling the curtain off as it was a heartwarming book about the making and subsequent popularity of a movie so many people adore. I loved it was read by Cary with cameos from other characters, producers, and directors. It is delightful. Definitely a feel-good read for anyone who loves the movie. *****

• How the Word Was Passed by Clint Smith. This book is an uncomfortable yet such an important read for any person in the United States. It walks the reader through plantations and slave ownership of African Americans and how the country was shaped by them and how we, as the majority, try to silence them and ignore an entire part of our history that founded a country. It goes from the south to the north and what happened every step of the way. It made me both uncomfortable and understanding. It’s like healthy food. Hard to digest at times but so good for the body and soul. It hurt. It made me tear up. And it gave me hope that stories are now being told that were silenced for centuries. *****

Things I bought I loved

I went to a sauna on Saturday and then again on Tuesday. I want to go back on Monday. It’s kind of become an addiction. I love sitting in a hot place and just thinking. And sweating. Then going into a cold shower. I thought it sounded like torture until I did it. Now I did and I’m going back and back and back. 10/10 would recommend.

Radical Honesty and Unlimited Kindness

2027 is almost here. And I think most of us looks outside at this waves hand at window and is panicking a bit.

It’s been a rough year filled with changes and unexpected growth. Never did I ever think I’d move across the country two two meager suitcases filled with photographs and random clothes that definitely were not appropriate for the southwest.

I got through it, though. Which made me think of all the other things I’ve been through and overcome. And I think of all the things I might still need to overcome. Let’s be honest, a tank of gas costs almost a half day of pay. Groceries are out of control. Bills keep going up and companies like to remind employees that we are all replacable. Just ask AI. Politicians are politicking and that’s a whole…thing. People are doing abhorrent things and I just sit back and wonder WTF is happening.

And I want to help. Truly I do. But, no joke, I signed up through my parish to work at a food bank and they took me off the list. No email or anythig. Simply removed me from the group of volunteers.

I’ll keep trying. But it’s stuff like that which makes me want to throw my hands in the air, crawl back into bed, and tell people, “I’ll wake up when ya’ll figure your sh*t out.”

But, this year, instead of stopping trying, or beating myself up all the time, I’m going to do something new. Screw waiting until 2027, it starts today. (Well, this week, but still).

Radical honesty. And unlimited kindness. But. But. But.

There always is a but, isn’t there?

But, it’s not to others. It’s to myself. I’ve been radically kind to others for a very long time. Too long in fact. Now it’s time to show radical honesty and umlimited kindness to myself.

I’m going to be radically honest with myself and stop degrading myself to make others feel better. Instead of, “Oh. Gee. They took me off the list. They probably didn’t need me. It’s okay they didn’t tell me or reach out or anything. They’re probably just busy and I did sign up without any notification or anything. This is totally my fault.” And disregard my own feelings.

I immediately stopped that line of thinking. Why am I defending people I don’t even know?

Instead, I took a moment and said, “Welp. That’s stupid. They didn’t even reach out to let me know why. I can work pretty much every weekend they need someone. But they took me off the list. Sucks to be them when they’re shorthanded. I’m going to do something fun this weekend instead.”

And I booked myself a slot at a sauna. I had a half-off code and I’ve never been to a sauna. It will be fun, though, because my daughter told me it would be amazing. That was enough endorsement for me.

At work, if I make a mistake, I’m no longer beating myself up. I’m going to be radically honest, own it, and move on. And if they don’t want to move on with me, welp. That’s their loss.

At home, if I don’t vacuum on Monday or mop the floor on Friday, there’s always tomorrow. Or the next day. Radically honest, it needs to be done. Unlimited kindness, does it matter when? I mean, it’s only me and my cat. It’s not like I have five kids. I highly doubt Dismas will care if I mop on Saturday or Sunday instead of Friday.

Radical honesty, I’m fat and need to lose weight. Unlimited kindness, I’ve been in survival mode for over twenty years and I did what I had to do to get through the day. Radical honesty, it’s now time for me to really focus on myself, my mental, physical, and emotional health, and getting to a place where my weight is healthy. Unlimited kindness, it needs to happen in a healthy manner where I’m not beating myself up if I have a cupcake. Radical honesty, crash dieting doesn’t work. Unlimited kindness, yeah. It doesn’t. So don’t do that and try to move a bunch more, eat less, and work out when you have a moment in a controled way. Radical honesty, buying a gym membership will cost you a fortune and you probably won’t use it. Unlimited kindness, but you, you smart woman you, you found a bunch of at home workouts you actually enjoy doing.

Radical honesty, there are people in my life who want to point out all my flaws and purposefully make me feel bad. Unlimited kindness, you don’t have to spend time with them if their presence isn’t filling your cup, too. Radical honesty, there’s a bunch of people who don’t like you and want to see you fail. Unlimited kindness, they’re dumb and you already succeeded.

Honestly, I’ve been doing this the past couple days. It’s been hard to change my mindset but it’s working well. I used to dwell on negative feelings. I was the queen of negative self-talk. Now I move on with, “Don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing amazing. That’s just one of those annoying things that will catch you up if you let it. Why don’t you read a bit of your book to take your mind off things?”

So, from now until I’m bored of doing it, I’m going to be radically honest and unlimitedly kind to myself.

Anywho. Here’s the books I read.

Books I read this week

• Jesus and John Wayne by Kristin Kobes Dumez. ***** This is one of those books I’d write the trope, “I’d give this ten stars if I could!” This is a great book explaining how, how in the world, did our nation look at Trump and think, “Yup. He’s a good one.” It essentially goes through the Evangelist movement in the United States, how that has bled into politics (by design), and how your neighborhood evangelist loves John Wayne, Trump, and his momma. It explains how the thread of religious media has become a powerhouse for politics, ending in President Trump. And how we, as a nation, need to get it the hell together, go to the polls, and vote. Seriously. Vote. Vote in every election. I don’t care which one it is. Vote in it. Which reminds me, I need to look up the canidates in my area. Radical honesty, don’t tell other people to do what you aren’t. Unlimited kindness, I have time to do it tomorrow at the sauna. Legit, though. This is the book to even come close to understanding why Evangelist America loves Trump even though he’s about as opposite a Christian as you can ever get.

• Daggermouth by H.M. Wolfe. ** ½ Someone take the thesaurus away from this author. Every sentence had fifteen adjectives. It’s about a girl who is an assasain and a guy who is an executioner. She was supposed to kill him. But she saw his face so now she has to marry him. All the rich people wear masks or how else can you tell they’re rich? So she has to marry him because the president said so. And the guy is president’s son. Which is kind of a d*ck move of the dad that he’s your son and the only job you give him is executioner. Why not give him a job like state secretary or minister of defense? A desk job without so much mess. The guy has a tattoo that tells everyone he’s an executioner. That’s a big deal. I still don’t know why. But anyway, they keep trying to kill each other, which fair, she started it but he did kill her parents. There’s a bunch of rings and poor people and guards. There’s a sister and a best friend. A bunch of sex, wanting to have sex, wanting to have sex but not having sex. They stab and shoot each other a lot. And other stuff happened. It’s a long book and kind of all melts together. And by the end I was just so annoyed at all the, “The knife, brilliantly shining like the sun on a Tuesday in May, was held in her tiny, sloth claw-like hand with ambulance red cracked nailpolish, was thrust with the force of a thousand ninjas into my shoulder as blood as thick as my highschool girlfriend splashed down my arm in rivers.” I was like, “OKAY! SHE STABBED HIM! JUST SAY SHE STABBED HIM!” The premise was good but it felt like it was trying too hard to be “dark” and “gritty.” Again, not mad I read it but not particularly happy I did, either. It’s a very “meh” book.

• Moral Disorder by Margaret Atwood. **** One of Atwood’s lesser known works. It’s a bit hard to follow but after the second chapter, I decided to go with the flow. It’s about a woman, we later learn is named Nell, and her life. But her life isn’t told in a linear path. There is no real rhyme or reason to the stories we’re told, which I think is the point. It’s really, truly, like life. You tell one part and another and another. And they somehow wind together to make a life. The ending, though, kind of breaks my heart. Nell’s life has been anything but easy. Starting with two parents, who, in my opinion, were pretty negligent and selfish at times, turning from that to Nell having to take care of them was a bit heartbreaking. The stories make you think a bit about this person, who was nameless for a part of the book, and the character study Atwood did. Why did she tell the stories she told? This is a book you read, put down, and remember you read it but can’t exactly pinpoint the feelings you had reading it. Do I actually like Nell or do I feel bad for her? Do I like Liz or do I find her needy and annoying? Do I actually hate Tig or respect his honesty? Is Oona sympathetic or polorizing? All these people, all intertwined, into one story. It’s kind of amazing but confusing and I was left wondering, “I don’t know how I feel about this book and I kind of think that’s the point.”

• Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen. *** Here’s the thing. I know a lot of people like this book. But I couldn’t help but think, “Who is this guy and why should I listen to him?” So I looked him up and, well, he’s a writer. Which, great. He is a great writer and has good insights. Instinctively, I knew he probably wasn’t a therapist or psychatrist. In my opinion, this book was very woo-woo simplistic version of overthinking. Becuase of course, yes. Overthinking is bad. Everyone does it to different extents. As someone who has crippling mental health issues, simply saying, “Hey. When you’re having your obsessive thoughts, just PAUSE and everything will be better!” is kind of dangerous. Like, no sir. That’s not how OCD, major depression, and the other mental health disorders I have work. Because you telling me my spiral down to depression or my scrupulosity is just my ego would be so detrimental to so many people. It’s not my ego. It’s my mind playing tricks on me. And telling me to PAUSE is kind of like slapping a bandaid on a broken leg. If the book works for you, dope. Amazing. Read it over and over. But for myself, it was more like someone telling me, “Stop being sad” when I’m depressed.

Bible Verse

You who dwell in the shelter of the Most High, who abide in the shade of the Almighty, Say to the LORD, “My refuge and fortress, my God in whom I trust.”He will rescue you from the fowler’s snare, from the destroying plague, He will shelter you with his pinions,and under his wings you may take refuge;his faithfulness is a protecting shield. You shall not fear the terror of the night nor the arrow that flies by day, Nor the pestilence that roams in darkness,nor the plague that ravages at noon. Psalm 91-1-6.

Thing I bought this week I love

Welp, not me but Dismas. You see, my beloved cat has been with me for a total of about four months. We’re still in the getting to know you phase of life. Essentially, the humane society told me he was dropped off with little fanfare and a, “We’re allergic to him.” Thing is, Dismas is 2 years old. I’m pretty sure you’d know before two years. Poor guy was covered in dirt when I got him. Like, the bathwater was brown it was so bad.

Although, I am thankful he’s mine. He’s a pain in the *ss sometimes. I’m sure you’re thinking he’s a pain in the normal way a cat is. And he does all the normal cat stuff like walk on the keyboard when I’m trying to work. And meowing all the time just because he can. But he also does stuff like unplug my computer with his teeth, sneak into the refrigerator, and stares in the sink as the dishwasher is running. My vet is annoyed with me because nearly every other week, I’m calling them asking, “Is this normal? This can’t be normal.”

Dismas is a bit of a diva. It took me over a month to find a cat watering device he would use regularly. It’s the metal fountain from Chewy. We’ve been through two plastic ones he ignored. But I can’t just put water in there. No. Dismas doesn’t do lukewarm water. I have to put ice in it and keep it cold or he won’t drink. I only found this out because he will literally lick my iced coffees but would ignore the water.

I told you he was weird.

Wet cat food was annoying. He wouldn’t eat it or anything reallly and was losing weight. The humane society was like, “Sorry, we don’t know what they fed him.” So I was on my own. I tried several different brands, couldn’t get him to eat more than a bite or two out of any of them, and would go to the pet store a couple times just grabbing single servings of cat food trying to find one he likes. Finally, freaking finally, I got Reveal wet cat food, seafood version, and he LOVED it. He would eat ten cans a day if I let him.

Same thing with dry cat food. He could take it or leave it. But, I want him to have both wet and cat food. Finally, I was like, “Well, he likes the wet food. Maybe he’ll like the dry Reveal food.” While he doesn’t like it as much as he likes the wet cat food, he is eating it. Which is great.

So yeah, if you get a cat who doesn’t seem to like anything but human food and iced coffee, consider ice cold water in a metal water fountain and the whole line of Reveal cat food. It might not work for everyone, but it worked for Dismas.

My scruffy cat who wasn’t eating is now a plump fluffernutter who drives me crazy but I miss him if I’m gone for more than a couple hours.

I’m learning it’s the way of the cat.

I’m Still Here.

I’m one of those people who crave silence.

It’s funny but after twenty-some-odd years of being a single parent, being the person who two people depended on, the one they would even follow into the bathroom to sit on the toilet and talk to me as I showered, I crave silence.

The girls used to make fun of me when they got into my car and…nothing. I didn’t have the radio on. I didn’t have a podcast playing. All I did when I drove is listen to the sweet, sweet silence.

My home is the same. Sometimes at work, I listen to books. Sometimes I just listen to nothing. My home is quiet. Unless the cat is meowing. He wants food. He always wants food. I have to explain to him that food is in his bowl but he doesn’t want that food. He wants his other food.

Life be like that sometimes.

But being content in myself was learning how to deal with silence. I’m of the opinion that people who need constant noise are the ones who haven’t learned how to appreciate the sound of their own thoughts. Or no thoughts at all. Being content in your own company means learning how to be content when you have nothing to say even to yourself.

I know it must sound depressing to some. But it’s interesting to me how sitting in my house in the silence reading a book or doing work is strange but hiking by myself or kayaking by myself is something to be jealous of. Why is one acceptable and one unacceptable?

Silence is beautiful if you’re aware of it’s potential.

Silence is peaceful when it’s done the right way.

God enjoys the silence. He speaks in the silence. The burning bush was on a mountain in the silence. I think of the Catholic churches I love. The Adorations I’ve been to. Sitting in the silence, looking at God, thanking him, talking to him, explaining to him how my days have been going and what I think about life. He’s there. Sitting in the silence with me, like an adoring Father, saying, “Yeah, kiddo. I think so, too.”

Or, even better, I hear him say, “Stop being so hard on yourself. You’re human. I made you the way I made you because the world needed one of you. I love you so much and you have so much to offer this world. Now what are you going to do about it?”

I think of all the people who are desperately lonely. The ones who sit in silence and think about all the wrong things they’ve done. I do that sometimes. I sit in the silence and swirl down a dark path of self-loathing and hatred. And I let the silence wash over me like a blanket of despair.

I remember talking to a coworker one day and saying, “Isn’t it crazy that some people make mistakes and just move on? They don’t just sit there and think about them over and over and obsess about them for days?”

He looked at me incredously and said, “A couple hours? Maybe. But days?”

Yeah. Days. I will sit in my house and ruminate over one mistake for days. Don’t even get me started on anything bigger than a simple mistake. That takes years. Decades.

But when God is in the silence, I hear him crystal clear, “You need to forgive youself.”

I had parents who expected perfection. In a way that was unhealthy. One mistake meant life was over. One misstep meant that we could lose everything. Get a B- in chemistry? You’re never going to make it to college, live making minimum wage for the rest of your life, and never amount to anything.

Miss a day of work? They’re going to fire you and you’ll be living in a box by the side of the road in a month. Maybe two if you have any savings.

Snip at someone? You just made them so depressed they’re thinking of taking their own life.

Everything was the worst thing in the world and it trained my brain to always think of the worst case scenario. Everything. Any slight mishap was everything was going to go down the drain and be the worst thing ever. To the point where even if I didn’t do something wrong, the potential of doing something wrong terrified me into inaction.

I’ve been in therapy for a long time. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one that worked well for me. It was always, “Worst case scenario, what will happen and what will you do about it?”

What I’ve found is the worst case scenario rarely ever happens. And when it does, I’ll probably survive it like I’ve survived everything else I’ve had to go through in this life. Abuse. Betrayal. Pain. Fights. Homelessness. Poverty. Job loss. The senseless loss of life. Grief. Working two jobs six days a week to take care of my kids. Going to undergrad and graduate school full time while working full time and taking care of my kids. A family who thought I would never amount to anything. A family who thought my children would be failures because I was a single mom doing the best I could with what I had. All of it. The pressure of constantly having real and imagined voice in the back of my head telling me everything, every single thing, I did was wrong and I was a failure.

I survived all of it and more.

And I’m still here.

So are you.

I’m not a failure. I’m someone who took the hard road sometimes and still got up every day and pushed through. That when depression weighed me down and wrapped me up so hard I couldn’t breathe, I still got out of bed every day and struggled my way through life. That any glimmer of hope made me put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

And in the silence, when I sat with God, I prayed for joy. For peace. For happiness.

Now that I have it, I’m never letting it go. Because in my forty-some-odd years of life I have realized I can overcome things that would bring most people to their knees.

And so can you.

BOOKS i READ THIS WEEK (NOT MUCH)

• Broken Country by Clare Leslie: A woman has a passionate love affair with a guy who has some sort of English title. It didn’t work out through some misunderstanding. She marries a man who is a farmer and has a son. The son tragically dies. The guy with the title comes back to town with his own son. The wife has an affair with him. The farmer’s brother is murdered. The farmer goes to prison. She has another child. He comes home. The end. It was long. And kind of boring at times. The book seemed to go on and on and it was hard to finish. It took me like three days to come to the ending. Which was…meh. I get it. There was supposed to be a twist. But the characters were so unlikable I didn’t really find myself rooting for anyone really. And it was really depressing. I didn’t really like it. **

• Remain by Nicholas Sparks and M. Night Shyamalan: A man is suffering from depression and goes to a psychatric ward. He gets out and goes to the Cape to help his rich friend build a house. He lives in an Air BNB type thing and sees a woman. The woman is a ghost who was murdered. He falls in love with her and takes it upon himself to find out who killed her. There’s a list of suspects a mile long. It’s good if you like paranormal books. Maybe a bit predictable. I guess I expected more of two people who are so famous in their own genres. It didn’t have the bite I wanted. Maybe I was a bit depressed after coming off Broken Country but I wasn’t thrilled by this one, either. It was cute in parts. Oscar was a great character. But it seemed too formulaic for my taste. Rich people. Check. Old house. Tortured charater. Check. Sexy ghost. Check. A couple teasers. Check. Ending that ties everything together. Check. It wasn’t a waste of time but I’m not going to reach out for it again. ***

Bible verse of the week

“When I came to you, brothers and sisters, proclaiming the myster of God, I did not come with sublimity of words or wisdom. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ, and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear and much trembling, and my message and my proclamation were not with persuasive words of wisdom, but with a demonstration of Spirit and power, so that your faith might rest not on human wisdom but on the power of God.” 1 Corinthians 2:1-5.

What I bought this week that I loved

A desk chair! For the longest time I always had a dining room chair for my desk. I don’t know if I just didn’t think I deserved a desk chair or that there were other things I had to buy and it was always on the backburner. But this week, I bought one! It’s amazing. And I love it.

Buy the thing that you need but keep putting off. If finances allow. Please. Do something nice for yourself every once in a while!

Step Up Or Step Out

I’ve been on this kick in the algorythm now about women remaining single into their 40s. If you haven’t seen the previous blog post, please read it now or next.

Or never.

Who am I to tell you what to do?

I’m the product of much fascination between people of successfully being single for a very long time. And I never really thought about it other than to shut people down when they tried to uncover the mystery. The fact is there is no mystery. It’s a choice just like everyone else’s. The way childfree people who still like kids, but know they don’t want to be parents, is the same way I look at relationships. They’re great and I love them…for other people. For myself, though, I look at it as another thing on a long list of things I don’t want to do. Kinda like going camping in the winter. Or skiing. Or paragliding. I’m sure it’s fun for other people. Just not something I’m gagging to do.

And then there’s the manosphere. The men like the Tates of this world who tell me I’m wrong to want what I want. That my looks are what’s keeping me from having a relationship where the man is the head and the woman follows behind him with a vacuum and a sandwich. That my life is meaningless without a man. That my degrees, and successfully raising two daughters on my own, my accomplishments and hopes, my fears and my dreams, mean nothing without a man.

Blech.

I watch their podcasts, their videos, their endless rants against the “matrix” and wonder who the hell is listening to this crap? The men who are so angry, who put their dirty laundry online for the world to see, are the ones young men are watching with baited breath and trying to be like?

And the women backing this up are…let’s say…it’s a choice.

Look, I’m not here to knock down women who want to stay at home with their kids and live in a traditional role. I’m not here to tell them not to do that. I am here to tell them they don’t have to if they don’t want to. I’m here to tell women they can choose freely what they want to do.

And there are women out there who want that. So my question becomes, why are men yelling at me and not going after them?

If you want a wife who wants to stay at home with the kids and do all the tradwife things, find her. Find that woman. Give her a big ol’ house and babies and a steam mop. Have at it. Far be it from me to yuck someone’s yum.

But also…

But also don’t yell at me when I look at that (probably) young woman and say to her, “It’s all fine and good you want to do this, but also please have a backup plan. Becuase anything can and will happen tomorrow. Jobs are lost. Economies suck. Best laid plans are just plans and not reality. And you need to have a plan in place if it all goes to hell. Because it probably will.”

Once upon a time there was no choice for women. There were clearly defined roles we had to play and it sucked. Women worked for centuries to get the same rights as men. Now we are at a place where women are able to pick, men are still mad. But they should really be happy we have a choice. Becuase if we choose, when we choose, and we choose you, what does that say about you as a man? If I have all the world at my fingertips, everything I could ever want is mine to take, and I still choose to spend my life with you, what does that say about you as a man? Wouldn’t you want that version of me and not the version who picks you because I felt I had to?

It says you are more than enough. It says you are amazing and I couldn’t imagine a world without you. That I would choose you above my own space, peace, and sanity.

When a woman picks a man in today’s world, it’s telling them, I don’t need you. I want you. And that means more.

A hundred years ago, I would need a man for a bank account. A car. An apartment. Anything. Now I don’t need that. So if I picked a man, it wouldn’t be for those reasons. Then? Yes. Now? No.

Men are mad because we’re saying, “Step up or step out.”

Step up and be a partner, not a liability. Step up and do chores like I do. Step up and remember to get the oil changed. Remember to pick up the prescriptions. Remember to take the trash out, do the laundry, clean the bathroom like I do. Remember my birthday like I remember yours. Take me on dates like I take you. See what needs to be done and do it not because I asked but because you’re a whole ass adult who sees what needs to be done and does it.

If you want a mom, stay at home with yours. If you want a partner, find one who challenges you to be a better person. Becuase finding a partner who doesn’t challenge you means you’re going to be bored out of your mind.

Maybe that’s what those men want? To be bored and have a woman who hangs on her every word. Sounds like a horrible existence. But who am I to judge.

But yeah. If you want that woman, find her. Leave me alone. Because I’m surely not going to be her.

Books I read this week:

• The Perfect Marriage by Jeneva Rose: A famous defense attorney has a husband. The husband has a mistress. The mistress winds up dead in his bed. The defense attorney defends her husband. Chaos ensues. It’s kind of the perfect storm. You see the knots in the case slowly being untangled and it’s thrilling. The ending was amazing. It was truly one of those things you sit back at the end and say, “Oh, damn. I didn’t even see that happening!” *****

• Custodians of Wonder by Eliot Stein: This one is a long one but worth reading every word. From pasta that only a few women in the world know how to make to rope bridges that spanned empires to a tree that has it’s own address, this is a book of the things in the world few people know about but everyone should. Learning about ordinary people doing extraordinary things is just so refreshing. It’s a good book to read when you think the world is falling apart. That these few are out there doing something small and huge at the same time. *****

• Murder on the Oreint Express by Agatha Christie: Thirteen people on a train. One dies. Hercule Poirot must solve the case. I love Agatha Christie novels. I’ve read them since I was a young teenager. She’s one of the GOATS of mystery and thrillers. *****

• Joyful Anyway by Kate Bowler: What’s the difference between joy and happiness? How can we become joyful in the face of despair. Kate uncovers how to be joyful in the face of things like cancer, death, broken relationships, hurt, betrayal. How to look at life as a joy and know that none of us are getting out of it alive. That even in the worst times, there are better times to come. That every moment doesn’t have to be looked at as a gift. That sometimes you’re going to have the suck. But that doesn’t mean you’re a failure or not joyful. It means you’re human. But be prepared to cry. *****

Movies I watched this week.

• A Toxic Love Story on Netflix: Angela, who is pregnant with twins is married to Ian, a United States Marshall. Angela is getting threatening emails from Michelle, Ian’s ex-girlfriend. The threats are gaining in traction as Michelle is putting ads out for the SA of Angela. Michelle is caught and goes to jail. End of story. Or is it? Is Angela really pregnant? Is Ian really the doting husband he seems to be? Is anything what it seems? No. But it never is. *****

• Lious Theroux: Inside the Manosphere: It’s interesting to me when manosphere men meet men and women who are smarter than they are. You can visibly see in the documentary the reaction of these men when a man smarter than them questions them. The moment the question they don’t want asked are asked, and suddenly they disappear. They need a drink. There is an important meeting they need to attend. Don’t talk to him because he knows. It’s actually hilarious at times to see the men who think they’re the smartest in the room get cornered. *****

Bible Verse I thought about this week.

Brothers and sisters: Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming to death, even death on a cross. Because of this, God greatly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should ben, of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Phillippians 2:6-11

What I bought this week I love:

I went on Chewy and bought the cactus cat tree. It was a bit pricy at about $90.00. But the cheap cat tree I got Dismas from Amazon lasted about three months. This one is much bigger, sturdier built, and he seems to love it. I’m so glad he now has the high perch he always wanted.

Why Don’t You want to date?

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

My sister-in-law asked me the other day if I was dating anyone. The quick answer is no. She asked if I wanted to date anyone. I had to think about that a bit.

There are a mirade of reasons why I don’t want to date anyone. And I wondered if they were reasonable. So I did what everyone does in those situations. I asked Google why women don’t want to date anyone as they get older.

Long story short, why I’m not dating are the same reasons many women my age (40s) doesn’t want to date anyone.

When I was a young, single mom, men wanted no part of me. As a single mom, I learned pretty quickly how unattractive I was to men in their 20s and 30s. I had two children and 100% custody. I was broke. I didn’t have a higher education. And my emotional intelligence was, let’s say, lacking in a lot of areas.

I did what anyone else would’ve done in my place when they realize they’re not a very attractive partner to anyone of substance. I went to therapy. I went to unviersity. I focused on being the best parent to my children I could possibly be. I worked two jobs. I put off dating until I was sure that I could give the man in my life the very best version of myself that I could offer.

I definitely didn’t have it figured out at 25. Or even 30. I was learning at 35. But by then, I was too busy with my kids, and work, and school, and my religion that dating was pretty much off the table. It was one of those things that I really never thought about while neck-deep in graduate school and trying to pull the 40 to 50 hour a week grind at work.

Then I hit 40 and it was a moment of, “Do I want this? Should I want this? Is this normal that I really don’t?” My kids were almost out of the house and I thought, “Maybe this is my time.”

I went on dating apps, got a couple matches, and was disappointed by the results. I deleted the apps. Went back to the organic dating scene. And was, again, disappointed by the results.

Then my kids moved out and I moved, too. This time I moved across the country, to a new location, new place, new faces, and better weather. I got an apartment I love. I got a car I really love. I got a cat I really, really love. I got the furniture, plates, decorations, and everything else I picked out. I don’t go to the grocery store for food I know the kids will like. I go for me. I spend my time doing what I want to do when I want to do it. And when I get bored and want to have fun, I throw my niece into the car and we go on adventures.

I clean my house on my schedule. I wash my dishes every night. I do the cooking and cleaning and laundry and the cat stuff and I do it all for me. My house, my space, my place is peaceful. I don’t worry about if the trash is going to taken out. I take the trash out. I don’t worry if the cat is being fed. I feed the cat. I don’t worry about gas in the car. I put gas into the car. And if I can’t do it, I’m willing to admit that I will throw money at the situation.

What I didn’t realize when I was trying to date but what I realize now is that when I was forced to do it on my own, when I was forced to come to terms with myself, when I was forced to make myself the best version of me I could be, I became content in my own company. I like myself. I like who I am and how I have created this little life of my own in my own little peaceful corner of the world, and I think, “Am I willing to give this up for someone else?”

My Catholic faith is excellent at weeding out the bad apples. I tell a man I’m not going to have sex before marriage and most of them disappear. The ones who stay, I sit back and wait for them to test my boundaries. And they always do. Things like a guy sending inappropriate pictures. Asking to see inappropriate pictures of myself. Lying. Finding someone else and ghosting me.

And the best part of being an older, single Catholic woman? The Catholics in my life will one-hundred percent tell me if they’re a good one or a bad one.

There was one who slipped through the cracks. It was a very bad time for me and I let someone in I should’ve stayed 500 feet away from. He broke all the rules. And I was stupid. In my defense, I was a bit out of sorts.

No one, not one, of the people in my life wanted me to be with him. But it wasn’t until I went to Confession that it hit home. I said to the priest, “We blurred the boundaries. And he left me for someone else. But we could’ve been so beautiful together.”

The priest, in persona Christi, said this to me and I’ll never forget it, “No. You wouldn’t have. You would be miserable together. Because if he’s willing to blur boundaries now, imagine what he’d have done if you had gotten married.”

Dang. He had me there. I couldn’t argue with that logic.

So yeah. I can’t imagine ever being married. I used to bemoan this fact. Now I think it’s a bonus. And I’m good with that because I love myself.

There’s a saying, “I know what I bring to the table. And I’m not afraid to eat alone.”

This is take two

I’ve been busy. Life gets into the way. It is life. So we do what we do.

I’ve seen people come into the Faith recently. I love watching people come. If you are interested in Catholicism, I highly recommend heading to Mass. Chances are you have one around you within an hour or two.

Before you go, know how to dress, though. Shoulders and knees covered. Dress in subdued clothing. Dress nice but not for show. We are coming before the King of Kings. Dress accordingly.

I know people joke about while we sit, stand, and kneel. Know there’s a purpose to it. We stand when we are proclaiming things. We sit when we are listening to humans. We stand when it is our Savior speaking. Just like we would with royalty.

The climax of the Mass is, “Through him and with him and in him, in the unity of the Holy Spirt, all glory and honor is yours, Oh God, Almighty Father.”

Just remember that moment. If you don’t choke up, think about that again.

Books I read while I was gone. Quick Version. with stars because I’m feeling extra.

• We Are All Guilty Here by Karin Slaughter. Two teenagers go to a firework show thing in a small town. One of them tries to talk to her step-mom’s friend who happens to be a police officer. The police officer has an asshole husband she is trying to get away from. The teenagers disappear. The officer’s friend gets mad because…I’m not sure exactly because we all have to use the restroom sometimes. It’s definitely an angsty book. Decent-ish ending. But was a bit boring at times. *** ½

• The Only One Left by Riley Sager. Lizzy Borden meets house on a hill. It’s a good book but a bit convoluted in ways. I hate reading things and thinking, “That would never happen.” Like, if the house is tilting off a rock, wouldn’t the county get involved and condem it? I would think there’s an inspector somewhere who is offended by the fact it’s falling. But it was a good, quick read. Kind of. ***

• The 1619 Projec by Nikole Hannah-Jones. This is about the plight of minorities in America. It’s not so much a book as a collection of essays. One of my favorite authors is in there, Matthew Desmond. If you do nothing in life, read his works. Read this book. And be horrified. The system is designed to make people fail. And it’s up to us to fix it. *****

• Discipline is Destiny by Ryan Holiday. Discipline is one of those things I either has an abundance of or none. This book will explain why either/or is important. And discipline definitely is. But we also need to relax sometimes. Not everyone has to be spectacular. Sometimes we’re average. And that’s okay, too. ****

• The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi. A student asks questions of his teacher. The teacher responds. The student asks more questions. The teacher responds. It’s a good book. I liked it and learned a lot about why I am so scared of people not liking me. It’s about me not liking myself. *****

• Tales of Ordinary Madness by Charles Bukowski. This is Bukowski. He’s hilarious.

• Factotum by Charles Bukowski. Bukowski goes to work. It’s hilarious.

• What Money Can’t Buy by Michael Sandel. “What’s it worth to you?” This is a question I think we’ve all asked. But now I have to think about, “What is this actually worth? My time?” We are trading precious moments of our lives for money. How much is that actually worth? How much is our lives worth? Priceless? In captialism, everything comes at a cost. And how much is that costing us? *****

• Empty Mansions by Bill Dedman and Paul Clark Newell. Hugette Clark is loaded. She has a bunch of mansions and dolls. She lives in a hospital even though she has a bunch of mansions. End of story. ***

• You Deserve To Know by Aggie Blum Thompson. Three friends live in a cul de sac together. They are the besties we all dream of. Except, two are frenemies and one lives in blissful ignorance her husband is a conman. One husband ends up dead. The three women splinter. The ending, though. That ending. I loved the ending. *****

• Dopamine Kids by Michaleen Doucleff. A mom tries to explain why she’s better at parenting than you are. She reads a bunch of experiments that make it true. It’s like a pre-school teacher writes a book about how everyone else sucks. “Pood?” Really? **

• Like, Follow, Subscribe by Fortesa Doucleff. Ever read or watch family vloggers and wonder what the ef the family is doing plastering their kids all over social media? This book interviews and explains it. And you will be disgusted. *****

• Burn Book by Kara Swisher. I want to be her when I grow up. She’s smart. She’s powerful. She asks the hard questions and will not stop until she gets the answers. Not many people would make ol’ Zuck worried. But she does. I love that for her. *****

• Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Guidara. I mean, for the uppercrust who can afford expensive meals, this is probably dope. For managers who are trying to get employees to give great service, this is good. But give me a 20 year vetran server named Cheryl who smokes 2 packs a day and I’ll be happy. *** ½

• Notes on Being a Man by Scott Galloway. It’s a book for men about being a man. I’m not a man. ***

• Listen for the Lie by Amy Tintera. A book with a podcast angle. It’s good. It’s decent. I like the switching between the podcast and the book. Everyone sleeps with everyone, which is whatever. The ending was decent. I wasn’t mad I read it like with the “pood” thing. Loved the grandma, though. I want to be her when I am old. ****

• Those Empty Eyes by Charlie Donlea. A girl is accused of killing her family. She sues the department because they so utterly messed up the investigation. She wins. She becomes an investigator. Then it gets confusing. I felt like I needed a list of characters. ****

This is long. More tomorrow. It happens and I’m being gentle with myself.

Depending on who asked.

Do you ever have answers to questions depending on who asked?

Like, if you ask me who is my favorite author, it depends on who asked the question. If it’s a job interview, it would be different than a friend who would be different than a Catholic priest?

Because they’re all truths. I can have more than one favorite.

Job interview? Matthew Desmond.

Friend? Charles Bukowski if they’re a good friend. Margaret Atwood if we’re acquaintances.

Catholic Priest? The Apostle Paul.

Depending on who asked is the fluff of life. It’s the way we attune ourselves to the questioner. Like the question, what do you do for fun?

Job interview? I’ve been taking Russian lessons for a while.

Friend? Drinking, reading, and going to the pool.

Catholic Priest? Reading my Bible.

Same question different variations of answers. Because only certain people want to know which variation of you they want to know. My interviewer wants to know a different variation of me than my friend. My Catholic priest wants to know a different variation of me than my friend does. Each of them wants to know the part of me they’re interested in.

Only a few people want the whole story. I wonder sometimes who wants mine. Being single is like that. You wonder if a partner would want to know them all. Then you wonder if you would want to give someone all the answers. And what happens if they get them and don’t like them?

Russian lessons are fun, though.

Books I read this week:

• Cultish by Amanda Montell: How do people join cults? And how do we automatically tell who joined one and which one they joined? Language is important and Amanda tells how the words, the inflections, the choice of phrasing can tell you someone is neck-deep in a cult. What’s more, she explains the why they use what they use to keep people involved. Ideology that sounds too good to be true. A sense of belonging to an exclusive crowd when no one knows you truly unless they’re a part of the cult. How no one really “gets” you other than this super secret (or not so secret) group of people who have it all figured out. And why seemingly intelligent people fall for it. It’s easy to point to cult followers and say, “I’ll never be one of them.” But it’s harder to understand that any one of us at any time can be sucked into one simply out of lonliness, or boredom, or a sense that we don’t belong anywhere.

• The Wife Drought by Annabel Crabb. Many women joke they need a wife. But why? Why are women complaining they have to do it all? The issue lies within societal expectations of women who have to both work, clean, cook, take care of the children, and so on until they’re always tired and overloaded with work. As someone who was a single mom, I see it differently. I think communication is a big part of the breakdown. Also, settling for less than what you should have. Standing firm and saying, “I’m doing 80% of the housework and 100% of the childrearing while you work forty hours a week and call it a day. Something has to change here.” But as someone who had to work sixty hours a week, do 100% of the cleaning, and 100% of the housework…well, sometimes I want to tell women, “What is it you truly want?” I tell a lot of women my age that raising two kids on my own seemed to be a lot easier than raising two kids on my own and being pissed at my husband all the time.

• Death in the Jungle by Candace Fleming. Jim Jones has always been fascinating to me. How in the world did some dorky looking guy from Indiana convince a couple hundred people to move into a jungle? And why did they go? It’s interesting how he moved from normal-ish preacher to a god-like character who believed he was the Second Coming. How he moved from social justice to kiss my ring and let me lead. It’s fascinating how people could shift ideals from one to the other because of his leadership. The whole time I was thinking, “Did he have good intentions at first and then his whole persona changed? Or was he evil from the start?” And how do we stop this from happening again? It’s sad because his early ideas were good. Community mixed with faith. All men are truly created equal. That we should look out for each other. But as he slowly delved into mental madness, the shift kept happening and I wondered will the real Jim Jones please stand up?

• Bad Therapy by Abigale Shrier. This one tugged at my heart only because I’m noticing online the “therapy speak” a ton of children and teenagers are using on a daily basis. I think we’re feeding our children the lie that life will be good all the time and that pain is bad all the time. I remember telling my kids as we were struggling, “Sometimes life is just going to suck. Sometimes it’s hard and the best thing you can do is to keep your nose to the grindstone and keep walking. You have to take your punches, get up, dust off, and keep walking.” That life isn’t supposed to be always roses and sunshine. That some people are going to come in, f*ck it up, and leave. That pain can be good because it means you’re growing. Not every bad thing is traumatic. Not every pain is going to need a therapy session. That strong people accept whatever event for what it is and move on. Our kids are anxious and timid. Scared to fail. Scared to do the hard things. And when a hard thing comes, they’re afraid to even try. Because they’ve been taught that pain, that suffering, that doing the hard stuff to get the good stuff is bad. That adults are there to pave the way for them. And now we have a whole generation of kids who think if things aren’t happy all the time, they’re bad. But the things that shaped who I am, the woman I am, the strength I have within aren’t the good times. It’s the times I look back and say, “I can’t believe we survived that” that make me the woman I am today.

• Post Office by Charles Bukowski. Okay. I admit. I love Bukowski and have read nearly every word he’s written. This was a, “Oh my gosh! The library actually has copies of Bukowski!” Most of them don’t because he’s a bit problematic. Meaning his work definitely is not for everyone. If you’re easily offended, put him back on the shelf. If you’re wanting a light, fluffy read, put him back on the shelf. If you want to laugh out loud to a raunchy old man who is in no way politically correct, who lived a wild life filled with questionable choices, pick it up. Bukowski was a womanizer wino who worked at the post office off and on until he realized he would never leave. So he left.

• Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini, PhD. This book took me over a month to read. It was so much information crammed into less than 500 pages. But it made me realize how I’m influenced on a daily basis to do the things I do every day. Why did I buy that one thing and not the other? Why did I sign one petition and not the other? Why did I take this call, talk to this person, tip this much? It’s all answered in this book. And it’s funny because I did the things in the book without thinking as my time serving tables to make extra money. I didn’t realize putting more mints on the check gave me more tips. I didn’t realize that telling a customer they were my friend made me extra tips. All I knew was that it felt right and seemed to work, so why not? But he explains the reasons behind why we do what we do and how it works on us in brilliant ways. How toy companies make sales in January when all the Christmas gifts have been opened. How car salesmen get you to buy the higher priced car. How you can go into an electronics store and buy the bigger television on sale when you only wanted a hard drive. How a salesmen can keep you coming back over and over again without thinking. The sad fact is that it seems we’re never going to stop making impulsive purchases. But we can see them for what they are and isn’t that enough? I was so proud when I finished it but man, it was a rough read.

Songs I listened to on repeat

• Say It by Blue October. Favorite band and one of my favorite songs.

• All For You by Sister Hazel.

Things I bought this week

• A cat bed for Dismas in a spot he likes to lay. He kicked it out of the way and laid on the floor. I looked at him and said, “Same, dude.” It’s now in another place and I have no idea if he’ll use it. If he doesn’t in the next couple months, I’ll donate it to the humane society.

Favorite bible Verse (nearly of all time)

“I, Paul, am already being poured out like a libation, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have competed well; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith. From now on the crown of righteousness awaits me, which the Lord, the just judge, will award me on that day and not only to me, but to all who have longed for his appearance.

The Lord stood by me and gave me strength, so that through me the proclamation might be completed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was rescued from the lion’s mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil threat and will bring me safe to his heavenly Kingdom. To him be glory forever and ever. Amen.” 2 Timothy 4:6-8, 17-18

Black ice saved my life.

I always wonder why so many people follow folks like Jordan Peterson or Ron Luce or Tucker Carlson. Or any of the other “leaders” who fire up their audiences to make drastic changes immediately, right this moment, RIGHT NOW! The whole, “If you’re not p*ssed off about this, you need to be, and you need to start fighting this moment, tomorrow is too late, get on your computer, take up your picket signs, get on your feet, and start screaming!” Because it’s action. It’s getting up from the couch, turning off the television, and doing something. Verbs are always more fun than nouns because verbs give action. Purpose. A reason to get out of bed.

But most people can’t keep up. They can’t keep up turning on the television or the computer and getting mad at something new every day. There’s always something and when something becomes all things, it’s exhausting. Which is why I think I always feel exhausted reading, listening, or tuning in to these people. Just a few moments are hard to digest.

They know what they’re doing. An old saying in the social media sphere is, “Enragement equals engagement.” The more people you make upset either for or against you means the more views. The more views, the more people are likely to engage with you.

Maybe I’m weird, but I think yelling at people isn’t a way to get them to listen. Just like yelling at someone to “Calm down” never works. Hugging them works. Sitting beside them silently and holding their hand works. Telling them, “I love you and this behavior is super concerning. Let’s talk about why it’s happening and how we can make it stop.”

I always tell my kids there’s nothing they could do that would make me not love them. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Would I be concerned with serious behavior? Absolutely. Are boundaries in place so that negative behavior is not tolerated? Yep. I will always love them but there are natural ground rules in place that allow our relationships to thrive. To grow and nurture. To be able to look at each other and say, “I don’t like this behavior. It needs to stop.” The road goes both ways. There are things I’ve done my kids put their feet down about. I always tell them I’ve worked too darn hard for too darn long to make my life as peaceful and quiet as it is and I will not tolerate someone uprooting it. They know this, appreciate it, saw how hard I’ve worked to get it, and they know not to allow anything to disrupt it. I think kids watching their parents work hard at something makes them more aware of it. Peace. Love. Hope. Consideration. Those are the things we tried to cultivate in my family.

Life is hard. Why are we allowing people in to make it harder? Why do we follow people who are disrupting our peace? Why aren’t we asking ourselves why we’re so angry all the time? Why not take a deep breathe and say, “This sucks. I’m going to do my part to change it but I’m also going to do my part to create peace and harmony.”

Black ice saved my life. I lived in the Midwest. One winter, I was zipping down a plowed road in my new car and hit a patch of black ice. If you aren’t educated in black ice, it’s ice on the road that blends in so well you don’t know it’s there. It’s black so you think it’s just another part of the road. I hit the ice, spun out, ended up facing the opposite direction in oncoming traffic and was hit head-on by a car going 55 MPH.

I ended up unconscious and in the hospital with a broken hand. But the moment was a defining one for me. I learned to slow down. I learned to pay better attention. I learned that going 60 MPH in a car blaring music to hurry to work wasn’t the way to live. I woke up wondering why I didn’t die, why my car was smashed but everyone walked away, and the only thing hurt was my hand and my pride.

I woke up wondering why God allowed me to wake up. And what I was going to do with the rest of my life. That the noise and the anger I had been carrying was too much. It was too much and I was tired of carrying it on my back.

I went to Confession. My penance was to learn why I even thought going to Confession was a good idea. I hadn’t been to Mass in years, barely knew anything about Catholicism anymore, and was dancing along life without a thought to what was happening around me. Which turned into me asking a bunch of new questions over and over until I got answers that made sense. It turned into a whole thing of me stopping, listening, learning, and calming down.

God put me into a physical, mental, and emotional time-out. He said to me, “Stop yelling. Stop struggling. Stop trying to figure it all out. Just chill. Give it to me. I’ve got this.”

It was black ice that started it. It was God who put it there.

I wanted to be the life of the party. I wanted to live in exclamation points. I wanted to be a flame, a fire, a part of the mob.

Instead, I live in quiet. Question marks. Silent moments of peace. Reading books. Talking to my daughters. Petting my cat. My life isn’t loud. It’s quiet and peaceful. It’s doing fun things on a Saturday afternoon because fun things are fun. It’s praying and going to Mass and Confession and being a good friend and mom and sister. It’s reading books and writing a blog and knowing that I may never change the world. But I can change myself and maybe a couple people around me and that can be wonderful, too.

I learned that quiet, that patience and love, is key. Maybe I’m not the life of the party but I can be the person who makes sure the life of the party gets home safely. And that’s who God made me to be. And I love that.

Books I read this week

• Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. I have realized my own focus is shorter than it’s ever been. Finishing a book takes me days instead of a day. Why my phone seems like a siren every now and then and I can’t help but pick it up and scroll mindlessly for hours at a time. Johann had the same issues and wanted to know why. It’s been designed this way. Our focus, our time, is now being monopolized by corporations. It’s designed to keep you just engaged you can’t put it down. Now that I know it’s been done, I am doing my best to undo it. It’s hard. It’s an addiction. But I also know the noise needs to die down in order to find peace. And I think we all want that for our lives.

• On Tyranny by Timothy Snyder. Freedom isn’t free. Enough said.

• Them: Why We Hate Each Other- And How We Can Heal by Ben Sasse. I might not agree with all of Sasse’s political views but this book really isn’t about them. It’s about how we, as a nation, are about to fall because we hate each other. Democrat against Republican. Left versus right. Winner against loser. But why? Why do we have to argue and fight? There’s so many things in life to get up in arms against each other. I love the quote, “America is an idea.” Our political system was set up to keep us together. There are people who want us to fall apart. Because a nation at war is a nation who isn’t paying attention. If we keep fighting each other, we’re no longer holding politicians accountable. It’s an “us versus us” issue. I want to hear more from both sides. I want to be aware, alert, and I want to care. But I’m also tired of being yelled at all the time.

• Notes to John by Joan Didion. This was an amazing book about a woman writing letters to her husband regarding therapy sessions she was having. It’s an intimate portrait of what therapy is like and how she was struggling with her daughter’s alcoholism, her work, and her life in general. It felt, at times, as though I shouldn’t be reading it. Like I should put down the book and the intimate thoughts and leave them alone. But, as a mother who is having a hard time letting my own children live their adult lives, I kept reading. I’m glad I did. It was a good insight into listening to another mom have issues allowing her adult daughter to live away from home.

Things i bought this week

• A book reading tracker. I think it’s going to be easier to keep track of what I read this year. But it has a lot of parts and I’m having trouble keeping up.

• Journal. I’ve had it for a week and have written four entries. I’m going to be kind to myself and say that’s good enough. I have a habit of beginning things I never finished.

What I watched

• Shiny Happy People Season 2. I remember these revivals and my friends going to them in the 90s/2000s. It’s so sad what happened. But my question is…where were the parents????

Walking away isn’t giving up. It’s going somewhere new.

My daughter got a new job after trying her best to keep her old one. Personal conflicts and a manager who didn’t want her there made it almost impossible to stay. Every day, she’d call in a panic that this manager told her no one liked her and her work was shoddy. Every day I listened to my child, one of the two most important people in the world to me, spiral into this anxiety riddled person I could barely recognize. It was torture for both her and me. Loving someone so much and being able to do nothing to help alleviate her pain was brutal. I suggested she find a new job. Her therapist told her the same. It was only when we told her walking away wasn’t giving up, it was starting somewhere new. Somewhere that managers and terrible co-workers can’t get to her. Starting over meant she would be able to walk into work in a place she felt safe and happy. That she could shed the past and have a bright future if only she would let go and let God do His work.

She did it and it worked wonders. Two weeks in and she was saying she wished she’d done it sooner. Walking away meant she had a new beginning and was thrilled she got to start over again. After two weeks, she even deep-cleaned her apartment and got rid of clothes and things that reminded her of a trying and depressing time. Her energy skyrocketed. Her mood enhanced. She had people around her who thought the world of her and appreciated everything she did for them.

Life got better simply because she walked away.

I had prayed so hard in those months that God would guide her and keep her satisfied. I prayed that if He gave her grace and understanding that this was only a little blip in the radar, hardly worth remembering, that He would walk her through.

Completely trusting that she would begin anew. And those who hurt her would probably never understand what they did. But, in the long run, they would reap what they sowed. That their actions would either come to haunt them in this life or the next. It wasn’t up to me for punishment. It’s all in God’s hands now.

It’s been two weeks and I’ve focused on my children. Though we’re far apart, we’re always on the phone or I’m wishing they were closer. But these past two weeks have been filled with my want to help them. To smooth the way. And I can’t. But I can pray that when one chapter ends, they can dip their pen into the inkwell of goodness, of righteousness, and begin a new one filled with hope and wonder.

Books I read these past two weeks:

• These is My Words by Nancy E. Turner: If you want to know what settling a new territory is really like, this book is an amazing account of heartbreak and pain but loving and hope. Times were so different back in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Family was central to living and it was both beautiful and haunting. Every chapter was like a gift of the past blending into the future. I wish I had the next chapters of her life. Her words were simple, plain, but brilliant. I cannot recommend enough.

• Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey: Resting, giving time to pause, is not laziness. And I truly needed someone to tell me that. I needed someone to tell me that being exhausted, working myself to the bone, to always “hustle” wasn’t a way to live. I cannot thank Tricia enough for writing this book. We are not lazy. We are tired. And the only way not to be tired is to give ourselves permission to rest. It’s a bit political but I understand where the author is coming from. I am not a minority and it did give me a better glimpse into minority struggles. I will always think of her when I try to better understand people who are minorities and how I view work and rest.

• Bury Our Bones in the Midnight Soil by V.E. Schwab: This book is supposed to be amazing but honestly, I thought it was boring as heck. I am trying to do a book bingo and supernatural romance was on it. This had high reviews and I had high hopes but it was like, “Where is the big climax?” It’s long. Really long. And, for me, boring as all get out. It’s LGBTQUIA+ friendly which is fine, but it also just seems to never end. This person goes to this person goes to this person and back again. If everything is detrimental, is nothing detrimental?

• The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker: Ever wonder why you get those tingling sensations when you meet someone and your body registers “DANGER”? It’s not because you have psychic abilities. It’s because your subconscious mind is gaining insight your conscious mind is not. This book explains WHY you’re feeling that way and why it’s vitally important to listen to your body. He gives real examples of people who have been in dangerous situations and how they experienced those signs. How to act in those predicaments and how to understand your perception is oftentimes not skewed. Learning to trust your body, your nervous system, and survive is important. I’m going to recommend this book to every young woman in my life. It could very well save them.

• The Will to Change by Bell Hooks: Freaking finally a feminist explains why men have a hard time understanding the feminist movement doesn’t want to bring them down but build them up. We want men to feel loved and fulfilled and not stifled by the fact society expects them to not feel anything and to rule with an iron fist. We want them to feel love and tenderness. We want them to grow in a world where compassion and kindness is not seen as a weakness but as a path forward. That their lives have purpose and meaning other than what they can do. The men in my life are wonderful because they are unique, feeling creatures who deserve love and respect simply because they are. Not because of what they do. I wish every man would read this book and feel the love the author has for them. It could very well change the world.

Things that I bought tha t i love:

• Qutool Cooling Pillow for Sleeping: Long story short, I bought four pillows from Marshalls when I moved. Two were amazing and I put them on the pull-out bed for guests. The two that I put on my bed absolutely fell apart within two months. I didn’t want to switch, that would be rude to my guests. And I’m in that stage of life where everything is hot (if you know, you know). So I read the reviews and tried these pillows. Oh. My. Gosh. They’re almost cold if they’re left alone for a bit and that crisp, clean, cold feeling when you lie your head down. I love them because they’re big and fluffy but also you can take stuffing out or put more in. They’re almost too full when I got them but I’m loving it. I love being almost cold when I sleep and these fit the bill perfectly.

• Easeland Mattress Pad: My bed is a kind of gift from my brother for moving. And it’s hard. Super hard. My daughter would love it but I’m more of a medium firm mattress kinda girl. This put on top of the mattress has been amazing. After reading Rest is Resistance, I told myself I deserved a comfortable bed (again, thank you Tricia wherever you are). This pad has just the right amount of “fluff” that it makes a hard mattress into a medium-firm one. And I haven’t slept better in months. Cannot recommend enough.

• Bedecor 100% Cotton Sheet Set: Same thing. I wanted better sheets that didn’t make me super hot in the middle of the night. My old sheets were cotton and I can’t understand the difference. These just are cold enough I don’t throw them off in the middle of the night. The old ones, I wanted to scream, they were so hot. These are cold enough I just curl up at the end of the day and sleep like a baby.

• Bedelite Fleece Queen Comforter Set Fluffy, Queen Size: I have a thing with fluffy blankets. I don’t know why, but I love them so much. I bought this one because it was a good price and in a cream color that matched my sheets. It’s amazing. Fluffy yet thin enough I don’t feel swallowed. The only thing I have to remember is to dry it on cool setting because if you don’t, the fibers will melt together. Hopefully, I don’t mess that up.

  Bible Verse i loved:

  “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light,” Matthew 30:

You Can’t Live in Both Sin and grace - Father Scott-Vincent Borba

My daughter came and visited. She said something that struck with me this past week. She said, “He can’t love me the way I need to be loved.” And my response was, “So your job is to think about if you want to accept what is given or to walk away completely.” Because in life it seems as though we accept scraps of love instead of the love we’re supposed to have. Whether it be from a partner, a sibling, a mother or father, an aunt or uncle, cousins, friends, whomever, we accept whatever it is we think we deserve. But not what we need. Not how we can grow and thrive. Then we do the back and forth of, “I need you to do this and this to make me feel loved.” And that person responds with halfhearted attempts but revert back into old patterns pretty quickly. But, in my opinion, truly loving someone with a selfless love is asking, “How can I love you best?” And then doing it even when it sucks. It might be doing the laundry every week to make sure they have clean clothes. It might be respecting living spaces and respecting the rules of the house. It might be cooking dinner every night and making sure whomever has the best portions. It might be calling every week or so to make sure they’re doing okay. Love comes in many forms. True love comes in the form that nurtures the other person best while maintaining healthy boundaries.

I always tell new parents the same thing. It’s easy to take your kids to Disney World. That’s the fun part. The sucky part is saving the money to go. To work the overtime. To give up the fun stuff to afford the plane tickets. It’s easy to be the parent when you take your kids to Disney. It’s a lot harder to get that second or third job in order to afford to go. It’s fun to go to the dance recital and cheer your kid on stage. It’s harder to take them to four practices a week. Which one do you think shows love, though? Disney? Recitals? Or sitting in a parking lot for an hour when the battery on your phone dies?

She also said something that made me laugh. Well, a lot of things that made me laugh. But this one stuck. She said Dismas is like an evil villain who was reincarnated as a cat and is now righteously indignant that he is a cat and not a human ruling the world. Which describes Dismas to a T. He’s cute and fluffy but a terrible menace. He also attacks feet at night. But only if you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.

Books I read this week

• The House of My Mother by Shari Franke. This books is about the family blogger Ruby Franke of Eight Passengers and how she went from being abusive to downright diabolical. It’s heartbreaking and bittersweet. Shari shows strength and maturity beyond her years but the whole time I was thinking, “It didn’t have to be this way.” Fame, fortune, and the descent of madness. Which is interesting because I was listening to an interview by Pints with Aquinas and he said something to the effect that it’s good most of us aren’t particularly attractive or rich or famous because we would become things we weren’t meant to become, to take the fame and fortune and make it perverse. And this book is a resounding testament to that sentiment. Ruby Franke needed counseling from a licensed counselor or therapist who could make sense of her unending need for control and attention. Because that’s all it was. An unending need to be recognized as the greatest parent, mother, church member of all time. Instead of being herself. Instead of being the mom she could’ve been if she had just let go of her ironclad control over others. I think a lot of parents like these look at their children being successful and think it’s because of them. It’s not. It’s in spite of them. I imagine those kids could’ve had such fulfilling lives had their mom not sought fame and fortune. Instead, they have to waste precious time overcoming obstacles their mother put in their paths. All for the sake of pride and adoration.

• Grit by Angela Duckworth. This book is a great resource to decide who will stick it out and who will give up. Millions of people everywhere have talent and potential but don’t do the things needed to continue with becoming successful. Or, as I like to tell my daughters, “Potential doesn’t pay the bills.” Potential is great but it doesn’t negate the fact that hard work and determination is what dictates who is successful in “the hard things” and who is not. That’s not to say working hard at fruitless endeavors is smart. What she says is giving up too soon, giving halfhearted attempts, or worse, never trying in the first place, is what culls the wheat. I remember being in my master’s program. I was a single mom of two, working full time, and in graduate school full time. I was exhausted. And I would pray to God, “If I fall below a 3.3 GPA, I am going to quit this program. I can’t do it all.” My GPA was a 3.4 the whole time, teetering on 3.3, and I kept going. I talk to a lot of people at work who talk about how they tried to go to college but “it wasn’t for them.” My thought is always, “It wasn’t for you because you didn’t want to do the work.” University isn’t about being the smartest. It’s about giving up what you want to do to do the things you don’t want to do to get the thing you want to get. Being great at something isn’t about automatically being the best. It’s about wanting to be the best and willing to do whatever it takes to become just that. Adjusting and pivoting along the way.

• Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke, M.D. This book tells us why we get addicted to things and what we can do to reset our lives. We’ve become people who no longer have to struggle to get the highs of life. We are spoiled for choice now. Whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, porn, whatever it is, it’s at the tips of our fingers. And we use and abuse because the dopamine is a siren’s call for us to binge on whenever we feel the need. But the dopamine chase, the siren’s call, becomes addiction and we fall into an endless cycle of chasing the high of whatever our drug of choice is. The stories in the book are so simple yet poignant, people we could all be friends with on a regular basis, fighting temptation on every level. And the more I read the more I realized, I was the same way. Food is my drug of choice and I’m doing my best to recognize the signs in the book. Am I truly hungry or bored? Is that muffin or piece of cake something I should really be eating? Or is it something I just crave because my body is asking for another hit of dopamine? It really made me rethink my life in terms of hitting the high or leaving it alone.

• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. This is a book that will make you laugh out loud at the absurdity of life. That not everything is going to be perfect all the time and sometimes that’s good enough. I remember when my daughters were in high school and had finals or multiple assignments at once. Deadlines would come and I would have to tell them, “Sometimes you have to half-*ss things to turn it in.” And that’s the truth. Was every one of my papers in college works of art? Absolutely not. But the deadline came and I had to turn something in. Sometimes life just sucks. And that’s okay. Sometimes it’s good to say, “This bullsh*t and I hate it.” And move on. Instead of obsessively trying to redo, rework, and finding the bright side of things. Sometimes you have to stick the dirty dishes in the sink and go to bed. Sometimes you have to eat rice and beans. Sometimes you have to admit that a particular person is a jerk but you have to work with them. Sometimes things are what they are. Sometimes you have to stop beating your head against the wall because it feels good when you stop.

• The Age of Magical Overthinking by Amanda Montell. I loved this book because it was so refreshing to hear I’m not crazy in thinking I’m either too good at something or totally terrible at others when in all honesty, I’m mostly mediocre at best. The book delves into parasocial relationships and why we will defend our favorite celebrity to the death while, conversely, expecting them to be the bestest most amazing person in the world and their harshest critic when they fall short. Her views on Taylor Swift explain this in such an engaging and interesting way, I loved it. I loved the fact our society has shifted in believing our leaders are the greatest to social media and famous people. I love the imposter theory along with the halo effect. One of my most favorite quotes is from Humans of New York, “I'm a philosophy professor. I tell my students 'never make an exception of yourself.' People like to make exceptions of themselves. They hold other people to moral codes that they aren't willing to follow themselves. For example, people tend to think that if they tell a lie, it's because it was absolutely necessary. But if someone else tells a lie, it means they're dishonest. So never make an exception of yourself. If you're a thief, don't complain about being robbed.”

Song I listened to

• Cake “Never There”

What I watched

• The Shawn Ryan Show: Father Ripperger- A Demon Told the Exorcist: “It’s How I Took Your Government Out.” Favorite Quote: Why are we so important to God? I mean everything he created is for us? To protect us? It seems that human beings are everything to him. Why us? Why are we so important? Why does he love us so much? “I think there’s two reasons. One is because we are made in his image and that image the theological tradition is very clear. Is because we have intelligence and free will. So he made us that way to be like him in that regard because his choice to create us was purely free. He didn’t have to but he made it. So when he created us, in fact St. Augustin makes the observation that one of the greatest signs of God’s omnipotence is the ability to create something and sustain it in being and even sustain its acts in being that has the ability to choose between different goods and isn’t determined to one thing. That’s a sign of omnipotence. And so us is the his image and the manifestation of his glory. So if you read the theologians especially like Thomas Aquinas he makes the observation that because God is goodness itself the proper object of God’s love and will is himself because he is goodness itself. The difference is we aren’t goodness itself and so for us to be make ourselves our own objects of our own love is basically is disorder. We are only good because we are somehow participating in his good. But when he creates us that’s called the principal of redundance. The good re-downs to us and so we are good in many ways by virtue of the fact we manifest intelligence of will. We can make choices. We can become virtuous. And so a as a result of that he sees the good in us. And that’s why he loves us because we’re like him. And so his love for us and even when he shows his love for us is directly proportionate of how much we’re like him.”

• Pints with Aquinas: E.L.F. Founder on Giving Up Fortune to Become a Priest. Favorite Quote: “You can’t live in both sin and grace” and “You are not a result of your past or your failures but you are a child of God.” “You cannot save yourself. God is the only one who can save you.” The story about how he met with the vocation director is golden, though. It’s hilarious and beautiful at the same time.

New Things I bought

• Ariel Laundry Detergent. I always used Persil or Tide but saw good reviews on this one. Used with Borax and it’s amazing. The clothes smell so clean and came out not dingy which is a pet peeve of mine. Which is good because I cleaned my kids clothes with it. A good mom can’t send her kids home with dirty clothes. Plus it’s like $6.00 a bag. I read the directions and it does use a large amount but I find myself using a large amount with the more expensive brands so that’s a whatever issue for me.

• Mrs. Myers Lavender cleaning solutions. I got my daughter daisy cleaning supplies because she struggles to keep up on cleaning and I thought this would be a good way for her to at least get a bit excited. So I bought the lavender for myself. It smells amazing and I wasn’t upset at having to clean the bathroom after having four people stay over this week.

• Factor Meals. My brother gave me a code for a free box. I chose ten and have eaten three so far. I’d heard of them from other people and how amazing they are. In my opinion, they’re okay-ish. $10 per meal is a bit much. But they are filling and I was able to choose low carb options. They’re good for lunches as I work from home and often just quickly warm up something to eat. But I want to lose weight and gravitate toward high calorie meals and I think these will help to at least get a couple meals a week at a lower calorie count.

Bible Verse that Spoke to me

“Oh God, you are my God whom I seek; for you my flesh pines and my soul thirsts like the earth, parched, lifeless, and without water. Thus have I gazed toward you in the sanctuary to see your power and your glory, For your kindness is a greater good than life; my lips shall glorify you. Thus will I bless you while I live; lifting up my hands, I will call upon your name. As with the riches of a banquet shall my soul be satisfied, and with exultant lips my mouth shall praise you,” Psalm 63:2-6

New beginnings

Today I did the thing that I always wanted to do but never had the gumption. This blog.

It’s always fun to start new things. I do it all the time. But there is a moment of sadness when it’s over. And then the next week comes, it’s a blur, and I think I did that thing that one time or saw the movie or read the book but completely forget how I felt other than “it was good.” Or, even more upsetting, “It was bad.”

Here’s what I learned this week.

Books I read:

• Surrounded By Idiots by Thomas Erikson: It was one of those books I read and thought, “Why are we pigeonholing people into four categories? Sometimes I’m red. Sometimes I’m yellow. A lot of the time I’m blue. Green people kinda weird me out but I’m sure they’re nice enough.” I think trying to fit people into one particular box is contradictory to management. People, and their needs, are dynamic. The premise of the book was good but I can’t help but feel as though it’s a catch-all for many managers. As if someone at work was a particular butthole one day and instead of actually talking to the employee, the manager shrugged off the responsibility by saying, “It’s okay. They’re red. They’re always like this.” And? So what? That doesn’t mean they don’t need someone guiding them into a conversation of, “Yeah. Yelling and screaming is not okay.” Or saying, “Hey. You’re being stupid. Stop being stupid.”

• Everything Is Tuberculous by John Green: I wish my library had more copies because this would be on my regular reading shelf. I guess I’m happy that it took forever to get my grubby hands on a copy. This book is so fascinating that I had to stop a couple times just to ponder what he said. There’s everything from historic gangs to modern day doctors in this book and that’s only scratching the surface. Everything kind of does lead back to tuberculous. It’s simply fascinating to find out why. And how. It literally shaped so much of modern-day society. And, as a Catholic who supports vaccinations, I believe this is a great book to show to people that two wrongs don’t make a right.

• The Coming Wave by Mustafa Suleyman: We are so screwed. I understand you can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube. But it’s infinitely easier to do that than unleash AI on the world without knowing what the hell we’re doing. I’m really worried we have gotten ourselves into something we have no idea how to stop. Pandora’s Box has been opened. This book made my already strong feelings even stronger.

• Radical Candor by Kim Scott. This is an older book from 2017 but I truly, truly enjoyed it. I’m one of those people who avoid conflict at all costs. If I even think something I say might hurt someone’s feelings, I bury that with the whole, “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.” She actually cites this in the book and I wanted to shout, “You get it! You truly get what it’s like to be a woman working in a male-dominated industry!” The whole “Shut your mouth if you don’t have anything nice to say” is a mantra my mom would always tell me but only when I didn’t have anything nice to say. She could say whatever she wanted. Funny how that works. She also did the whole, “Act like a lady and you’ll be treated like one” thing that is so detrimental to women in business. Radical Candor is by a woman who worked in big tech. She was on the same playing field as the greats. And she learned a lot about being a good manager. One of the things she learned was radical candor and how, as a manager, you have to have this mixture of empathy and honesty that’s a hard balance. Legitimately, reading this book, I wanted to hand it to my own managers and say, “Maybe try this type of approach next time.” Which, to be honest, pretty much all of them desperately need it.

Movies I watched

• Nefarious: R Rated, Released 2023, Directed by Cory Soloman and Chuck Konzelman

  I found this movie from an interview that an exorcist did that said this movie was as close to demon possession he’s ever seen made. As a Catholic, I’ve always been curious about possessions. I know the devil is real and he hates me almost as much as he hates the Carpenter. So when the exorcist said it was this close to being what it’s like in the demonic mind, I was all in. Plus, YouTube has it for free, so who am I to pass up a good deal?

  This movie will freak anyone out. It’s not gory. It doesn’t have a bunch of blood, or guts, or jump scares. There are a few but I think the few make them even more fearsome. It’s more psychological than anything. Some people have stated it’s a movie where 90% is just two guys having a conversation. That’s both true and false. It’s a movie where a man who doesn’t believe in heaven or hell, good or bad, and that evil is a societal determinant, faces a demon who gives him a glimpse into hell. It’s something I watched and couldn’t look away. Which is hilarious because I’m not known for being able to actually sit through an entire movie without getting sidetracked.

  I have no idea what benefit Glenn Beck gave to it. I mean, he was there. He asked some questions. It was kind of a letdown to see him at the end. But I’m not a huge Glenn Beck fan so I guess? IDK. It would’ve been better without him and a random interviewer. But, he does bring in a segment of people. So it’s whatever.

  Great movie, though. Especially if you’re agnostic or atheist. Maybe it won’t change your mind. But it will help you understand what others believe is happening.

New Music I listened to:

• Many Men, Jazz Version, by Ben Dunnilli

Bible Verse I loved this week:

Even the soldiers jeered at him. As they approached to offer him wine they called out, “If you are King of the jews, save yourself!” Above him was an inscription that read “This is the King of the Jews.” Now one of the criminals hanging there reviled Jesus, saying, “Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us.” The other, however, rebuking him, said in reply, “Have you no fear of God, for you are subject to the same condemnation? And indeed, we have been condemned justly, for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes, but this man has done nothing criminal.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” He replied to him, “Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” Luke 23: 33-43

The thief on the cross, according to Catholic theology, is Saint Dismas. I named my cat after him.