Black ice saved my life.
I always wonder why so many people follow folks like Jordan Peterson or Ron Luce or Tucker Carlson. Or any of the other “leaders” who fire up their audiences to make drastic changes immediately, right this moment, RIGHT NOW! The whole, “If you’re not p*ssed off about this, you need to be, and you need to start fighting this moment, tomorrow is too late, get on your computer, take up your picket signs, get on your feet, and start screaming!” Because it’s action. It’s getting up from the couch, turning off the television, and doing something. Verbs are always more fun than nouns because verbs give action. Purpose. A reason to get out of bed.
But most people can’t keep up. They can’t keep up turning on the television or the computer and getting mad at something new every day. There’s always something and when something becomes all things, it’s exhausting. Which is why I think I always feel exhausted reading, listening, or tuning in to these people. Just a few moments are hard to digest.
They know what they’re doing. An old saying in the social media sphere is, “Enragement equals engagement.” The more people you make upset either for or against you means the more views. The more views, the more people are likely to engage with you.
Maybe I’m weird, but I think yelling at people isn’t a way to get them to listen. Just like yelling at someone to “Calm down” never works. Hugging them works. Sitting beside them silently and holding their hand works. Telling them, “I love you and this behavior is super concerning. Let’s talk about why it’s happening and how we can make it stop.”
I always tell my kids there’s nothing they could do that would make me not love them. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Would I be concerned with serious behavior? Absolutely. Are boundaries in place so that negative behavior is not tolerated? Yep. I will always love them but there are natural ground rules in place that allow our relationships to thrive. To grow and nurture. To be able to look at each other and say, “I don’t like this behavior. It needs to stop.” The road goes both ways. There are things I’ve done my kids put their feet down about. I always tell them I’ve worked too darn hard for too darn long to make my life as peaceful and quiet as it is and I will not tolerate someone uprooting it. They know this, appreciate it, saw how hard I’ve worked to get it, and they know not to allow anything to disrupt it. I think kids watching their parents work hard at something makes them more aware of it. Peace. Love. Hope. Consideration. Those are the things we tried to cultivate in my family.
Life is hard. Why are we allowing people in to make it harder? Why do we follow people who are disrupting our peace? Why aren’t we asking ourselves why we’re so angry all the time? Why not take a deep breathe and say, “This sucks. I’m going to do my part to change it but I’m also going to do my part to create peace and harmony.”
Black ice saved my life. I lived in the Midwest. One winter, I was zipping down a plowed road in my new car and hit a patch of black ice. If you aren’t educated in black ice, it’s ice on the road that blends in so well you don’t know it’s there. It’s black so you think it’s just another part of the road. I hit the ice, spun out, ended up facing the opposite direction in oncoming traffic and was hit head-on by a car going 55 MPH.
I ended up unconscious and in the hospital with a broken hand. But the moment was a defining one for me. I learned to slow down. I learned to pay better attention. I learned that going 60 MPH in a car blaring music to hurry to work wasn’t the way to live. I woke up wondering why I didn’t die, why my car was smashed but everyone walked away, and the only thing hurt was my hand and my pride.
I woke up wondering why God allowed me to wake up. And what I was going to do with the rest of my life. That the noise and the anger I had been carrying was too much. It was too much and I was tired of carrying it on my back.
I went to Confession. My penance was to learn why I even thought going to Confession was a good idea. I hadn’t been to Mass in years, barely knew anything about Catholicism anymore, and was dancing along life without a thought to what was happening around me. Which turned into me asking a bunch of new questions over and over until I got answers that made sense. It turned into a whole thing of me stopping, listening, learning, and calming down.
God put me into a physical, mental, and emotional time-out. He said to me, “Stop yelling. Stop struggling. Stop trying to figure it all out. Just chill. Give it to me. I’ve got this.”
It was black ice that started it. It was God who put it there.
I wanted to be the life of the party. I wanted to live in exclamation points. I wanted to be a flame, a fire, a part of the mob.
Instead, I live in quiet. Question marks. Silent moments of peace. Reading books. Talking to my daughters. Petting my cat. My life isn’t loud. It’s quiet and peaceful. It’s doing fun things on a Saturday afternoon because fun things are fun. It’s praying and going to Mass and Confession and being a good friend and mom and sister. It’s reading books and writing a blog and knowing that I may never change the world. But I can change myself and maybe a couple people around me and that can be wonderful, too.
I learned that quiet, that patience and love, is key. Maybe I’m not the life of the party but I can be the person who makes sure the life of the party gets home safely. And that’s who God made me to be. And I love that.
Books I read this week
Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. I have realized my own focus is shorter than it’s ever been. Finishing a book takes me days instead of a day. Why my phone seems like a siren every now and then and I can’t help but pick it up and scroll mindlessly for hours at a time. Johann had the same issues and wanted to know why. It’s been designed this way. Our focus, our time, is now being monopolized by corporations. It’s designed to keep you just engaged you can’t put it down. Now that I know it’s been done, I am doing my best to undo it. It’s hard. It’s an addiction. But I also know the noise needs to die down in order to find peace. And I think we all want that for our lives.
On Tyranny by Timothy Snyder. Freedom isn’t free. Enough said.
Them: Why We Hate Each Other- And How We Can Heal by Ben Sasse. I might not agree with all of Sasse’s political views but this book really isn’t about them. It’s about how we, as a nation, are about to fall because we hate each other. Democrat against Republican. Left versus right. Winner against loser. But why? Why do we have to argue and fight? There’s so many things in life to get up in arms against each other. I love the quote, “America is an idea.” Our political system was set up to keep us together. There are people who want us to fall apart. Because a nation at war is a nation who isn’t paying attention. If we keep fighting each other, we’re no longer holding politicians accountable. It’s an “us versus us” issue. I want to hear more from both sides. I want to be aware, alert, and I want to care. But I’m also tired of being yelled at all the time.
Notes to John by Joan Didion. This was an amazing book about a woman writing letters to her husband regarding therapy sessions she was having. It’s an intimate portrait of what therapy is like and how she was struggling with her daughter’s alcoholism, her work, and her life in general. It felt, at times, as though I shouldn’t be reading it. Like I should put down the book and the intimate thoughts and leave them alone. But, as a mother who is having a hard time letting my own children live their adult lives, I kept reading. I’m glad I did. It was a good insight into listening to another mom have issues allowing her adult daughter to live away from home.
Things i bought this week
A book reading tracker. I think it’s going to be easier to keep track of what I read this year. But it has a lot of parts and I’m having trouble keeping up.
Journal. I’ve had it for a week and have written four entries. I’m going to be kind to myself and say that’s good enough. I have a habit of beginning things I never finished.
What I watched
Shiny Happy People Season 2. I remember these revivals and my friends going to them in the 90s/2000s. It’s so sad what happened. But my question is…where were the parents????
